Thursday, September 27, 2007

Alpha Gamma Poopy




"Dude, I could sooo go for some Motz sticks."



Most of my posts thus far have been light-hearted. Today, however, I need to address a serious and disturbing subject. My daughter is actually a college fraternity brother in disguise.

Absurd you say.

Impossible you object.

Let's take a look at the evidence:

1. Both like to binge on dairy products:

For frat brothers it's pizza, motz sticks, cheesy burritos, or any other gooey milk product they can afford. For Natalie it's milk. I mean, it's ALL she eats.

2. An infatuation with flatulence:

On any given Saturday night, you can find a group of fraternity brothers sitting around eating afore mentioned dairy products and giggling about the intestinal trumpeting that results from a human overdose of cow's milk.

Likewise, Natalie has a lot of gas...a lot. Furthermore, she often seems to find her raucous sounds extremely amusing. Smiling broadly after particularly loud toots. I'm seriously waiting for her to ask me to pull her tiny finger.

3. Her incredible video game skills:

Natalie consistently beats me at Madden 2008. Alright, that was a lie...she always beats me.

4. The obsession with breasts:

No explanation necessary.

5. Partying all night. Sleeping till noon.:

I swear if I find a keg under her crib she's going straight to her grandparent's house.

6. Drinking too much:

While frat boys consume copious amounts of beer, often until they leave some of it in small puddles across campus mixed with the digested remains of all the dairy products they consumed earlier that night, Natalie chooses to regurgitate small amounts of milk...directly on my shirt.

7. Random grunting:

It's like they share some sort of secret language where grunts can take on countless meanings from I have to poop to boy I could really go for some dairy products right about now.

8. Napping Frenzy
:

Seriously, is making it through the day without a nap too much to ask?

As you can see, I clearly have reason to be concerned. I was hoping that Natalie would grow out of this phase and prove she's not actually a college fraternity brother, however, perhaps the best approach is to join in...

How soon till she can pull my finger?






Tuesday, September 25, 2007

It's My Party!


Natalie discovered that she has lungs. Lungs full of air. Air made for crying.

Until yesterday she cried almost exclusively when she;

A. Had gas
B. Was Hungry
C. Was tired or over-stimulated

I can only speculate on the various reasons why she cried yesterday, since she managed to use her afore-mentioned lungs with great success. Here are some ideas;

A. She had gas
B. Was hungry
C. Was tired or over-stimulated
D. The dog looked at her funny
E. I had the nerve to move when I wasn't supposed to
F. She was having a bad hair day
G. She was too cold
H. She was too hot
I. I dressed her in a pink top and green pants...Daddy has no fashion sense
J. It was Monday
K. No one noticed that mommy did her nails on Sunday
L. She was still upset over the Bears loss on Sunday night
M. She found out I called her a poop-machine in my blog
N. Her stock portfolio plummeted
O. Could we diversify her diet already? It's always milk, milk, milk!
P. It was her seven-week birthday and no one got her a cake
Q. She heard a rumor that the world does not revolve around her
R. She finally got around to watching the third Matrix film
S. She got in a fight with her favorite toy, "Mr. Starface" (and yes, that's what I call it)
T. I explained my boyfriend policy
U. Two Words: Diaper Rash
V. Three Words: Daddy's Coffee Breath
W. She feels a lot of pressure as the cutest baby in the world
X. Just getting ready for the teenage years
Y. I totally won't let her get that sponge-bob tattoo
Z. What else is a seven-week old baby supposed to do?

It was a long day but the next turned out to be much happier! Thank god for the mood swings of little girls...I guess I better get used to it :).

Monday, September 24, 2007

One-armed Wonder!

As the father of a seven-week-old baby, I do a lot of heavy lifting. I carry Natalie when she's fussy, gassy, about to be fussy or gassy, or because she fell asleep while I was carrying her and there's a good chance she wakes up if I put her down.

(Editors note: Everything we've read says you can't carry a baby this old too much and in fact it may help with any kind of colic they're experiencing...so essentially I'm the father of an eight pound sack of potatoes, which I've decided to have welded to my chest).

Besides being good for the upper-lats (although a bit rough on the lower back) all this time lugging Natalie around has helped me discover the many things I can do one-armed. Here follows my top-nine list (never can be too careful about copyright infringement) of things to do with a baby slung across your shoulder.

9. Eat or Drink: This can get tricky and I certainly avoid drinking anything hot unless she's sound asleep but since I'm not given a bottle or breast every few hours on demand, (boy do babies have it good...) sneaking a snack here and there has become essential. There may be a few more crumbs in the couch cushions and she may occasionally get the stray drop of water plinked on her pretty little outfits, but a guy's gotta eat!

8. Read: I don't recommend thrillers since she's likely to get fussy just as the villain opens to closet door but poetry, short stories, or a classic you've read before, are all great options. I've also taken to reading some of the baby books we've received. (I'll post some recommended reading in a future blog)

7. Solve the Health-care crisis: Well, maybe that's a bit ambitious but having an infant provides plenty of time for reflection, even if much of that thinking is done while that little bundle of joy wails. I have internal discussions, reflect on the previous day, plan the next one, or just do a little day-dreaming about a world where baby cries are coveted and earn parents rich rewards...

6. Make Coffee: Until I started teaching a few years back, I hated coffee. All I needed in the morning was a cup of OJ and a shower...then I started working with teenagers...and...well...that all changed. Now I crave my morning cup of caffeine-infused power. When Natalie starts her day with a hearty set of sobs, I start mine by carrying her to the kitchen. Once she settles down, I actually get to pour and drink the coffee but at least it's ready.

5. Write a Blog: Duh!

4. Pee (Guys Only) I know I'll catch some flak for this one but when she's just gotten calm on my shoulder and my second cup of coffee hits...well...god blessed men with the ability to pee standing up with one or possibly no hands...I will now head directly to the store to buy a dog house for when Sara reads this...

3. Exercise: 8 pounds may not be a lot but I suppose it makes those squat thrusts and calf-raises all that much more effective and since I haven't exactly been eating healthy lately, I could use them.

2. Tidy-up: When battling sleep-deprivation the last thing I want to do when I get twenty free minutes is pick up the random stuff that has accumulated around the house but right now plenty of random stuff is piling up. Mail left unread for a few days, that pacifier she spit out on the floor, that pacifier she spit out on the floor and the dog made a chew toy, the project I started believing I had twenty minutes until she started screaming...anyway the point is putting a few things away now might mean a nap later...mmmm....naps.

1. Count your blessings: There's a baby on my shoulder and she is the most beautiful amazing thing in the world...

I think I might even give my right arm for her!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Top Dog?

Editors notes:

1. I've decided to drop the whole anonymous "our daughter" and "my wife" stuff since most everyone who will read this blog knows who I am anyway and I don't expect anything controversial to line these pages.


2. You should now be able to make "anonymous" comments. Meaning you won't have to log into the site or have an e-mail account to post something scathing about my misuse of the possessive (something I'm unfortunately famous for) or remark upon how adorable Natalie is..
.

Now onto the days blog:

It's been a rough go for our various four-legged friends since Natalie arrived.

Hamlet, our adopted stray, has gone missing. We hold out hope that he may yowl up to our doorstep one morning or that some kind stranger seduced him with a can of Tuna. I also like to imagine he's traveling back to his original home, preparing a play, and seeking to wreak vengeance on an evil uncle.

Bruce, our house cat the size of a house, (he's slimmed down to 18 pounds) has been simply aghast that we've allowed something else to curl up on our laps. He spends his time hunting moles (which he has become remarkably successful at), brooding in my office, and eating a lot of food in a meaningless attempt to fill the void. But he's a cat. He'll be alright.

We found out shortly before Natalie was born that Fenway, our lovable if slightly over-zealous mutt, has a form of mouth cancer. The Vets suspected an aggressive carcinoma, which they believed would likely metastasize elsewhere, so we are doing all we can to treat the symptoms and extend his life-span as long as possible. He remains energetic and happy even if we have to soak his food and give him multiple pills each morning. In fact, getting pills is now his favorite daily activity, since they are wrapped in a piece of tasty ham or bread.

He has, however, been a bit displaced by the arrival of Natalie. He is normally a bit "clingy" but now he's down-right attached to our hips. This wouldn't be a huge deal except that we're navigating a small house with a baby on our shoulder, so he regularly gets shooed and scolded.

If life were a gym class and we had the big red jelly-ball, he would be the kid nearby yelling "Hey, I'm over here! Throw me the ball! Come-on guys! I can really catch. Don't throw it to the little uncoordinated kid over there!" (Editors note: I think this metaphor fell apart sometime after "If life")

I wish I could explain that it's not just him we've been neglecting. Dishes sit in the sink, the vacuum gathers dust, and Sara and I haven't gotten hair-cuts in two months (and no that's not what the kids are calling it these days). Emotionally I feel terrible that he doesn't get as much attention as he once did, even though logically I know we need to focus on Natalie.

Well, it's late, I'm tired but before I go to sleep I need to go give my dog a good pat, and maybe give my cat some more food.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Whole World Smiles with you...


Over the past few days it's become clear; our daughter's mind-charming lip-curls are not solely due to the various rumblings passing through her intestinal track. She's smiling. At us.

Wow.

And that about sums it up. Wow.

Some parents will tell you they know the exact instant when their baby first smiled at them. These are the same parents who will proclaim that their baby slept through the night from day one, didn't cry when she had her vaccinations, and poops tiny gold nuggets.

For us, or for me at least, it was a gradual realization. When her smile wasn't followed five minutes later by a loud toot, (I promise a future post on the amazing noises our daughter is capable of making...I know you're already excited for that one) I started to wonder if perhaps that cute-little-gummy smile was for me.

Luckily, her first big day of smiling came when her mother was home from work. When we both agreed these were full-fledged smiles, we were transported to an alternate dimension called "Our-daughter-is-smiling-at-us-land" where intelligent adults spend hours trying to get their babies to repeat actions, even though the babies just want to stare at a set of horizontal black lines or concentrate on the all-encompasing task of filling their diaper. We coaxed and cooed and eventually she coalesced with a few more brilliant moments and we caught several on camera, which, grandparents will tell you, is more important than actually enjoying the event itself.

Throughout the day she blessed us with several more "smiley" episodes and seems to enjoy her newfound ability. I know we do.

Monday, September 17, 2007

First Day Jitters

It's my first day as an official "Stay-at-home Writer-Dad", so I naturally decided to create a blog. I mean, with the countless spare hours of free-time I am bound to have raising my daughter, I should be able to write a measly little blog...right? How hard can taking care of an eight pound little poop-machine be?

(Editors Note: My wife would like me to explain that my daughter is not a poop-machine but a beautiful angel. She would also like me to note that when my daughter does poop it smells like a fresh spring morning in Colorado.)

The truth is that this short post took hours to complete. Between changes, feedings, and other various parental activities. Much of it was written one-handed with a squirmy baby on my shoulder in various stages of grumpiness. But I need to keep writing and while I hope to continue writing poetry and short stories, I may not always have the fuel or the fire. In other words, I'll be too tired.

What this blog will become, I am unsure. I hope it becomes both a place for friends and family to remain updated on my daughter's early progress through life and perhaps even a resource for other stay-at-home moms and dads...Maybe even an epic literary journey of discovery and wonderment culminating in a lavish book deal...but I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. For now, it is enough that I am writing. Gotta run, the poop-ma...I mean angel needs a change...