The Dangers of Dad-dom

Attack of the Baby!

No one said it was going to be easy. I heard the horror stories of sleepless nights and fifteen diapers-a-day but there were some things I wasn't quite prepared for...some silent but deadly dangers, often specific to stay-at-home dads, that have been overlooked. No longer.

1. Not-the-momma: While you can argue all you want that stay-at-home dads can do just as good a job as stay-at-home moms, there are some things we just can't do. For instance, If I want to take Natalie someplace I need to think about and prepare a food source, since I lack the necessary mammary glands and accompaniments.

2. Daytime drama: As human beings we crave stories, especially those with recurring characters, good and bad guys, and drama. Thus far, I've managed to avoid daytime drama's (otherwise known as Soaps) because I fear watching them might actually result in the growth of previously mentioned accompaniments (although one could also argue that would be a very good reason to watch). I need the baseball season to start so I have box scores to read and games to watch but until then I've settled on the daily drama that is the democratic primary race...

3. Fatherhood fifteen: Every college graduate knows about the "freshman fifteen", the weight you gain during your first semester of school, but the fatherhood fifteen is just as deadly. When you stay at home all day snacks are easily accessible and when you have fifteen minutes to make and eat a lunch, frozen burritos sound pretty good...mmmmm...frozen burritos....

4. Random noise generator: When you spend most of your day around an infant, you do and say silly things. And when you're me, you do them all the time. Breaking the habit when venturing out in public becomes difficult. It's one thing when I've got Natalie with me but it probably looks a little odd when I'm waiting in the grocery line making elephant noises, waving my arms wildly, and saying to the check-out girl in a sing-song voice "Do you have my bananas? Yes you do...you like bananas don't you...oh, bananas are tasty...Can you eat a whole banana? I bet you could...you little banana eater."

5. Sleepy stumbles: Recently, after breakfast, I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge. Luckily these sleep-deprived mistakes have not yet extended to putting the baby in the oven and the chicken in the cradle...

6. No, dear, I'm not saying your toes are big...: Dads and Moms are different. Even in a stereotypically reversed marriage like mine, those inherent differences come through. Sara is more "motherly" and at times I find myself infringing upon that natural instinct simply because I'm in charge more often. The outfits I pick don't match, I play too rough, and I worry about the wrong things (like if her throwing arm is developing). It's inevitable that when one parent stays home, the other feels left out, but I think those feelings are stronger when the Mom is the one going to work.

7. Protection: When I stopped playing baseball a few years back I put my protective cup away, sure I'd never need it again...then we had a baby. Her tiny little legs are like a pair of ball pein hammers whacking away haphazardly while I carry her around the house. She is apparently set on being an only child.

Ultimately, the life of a stay-at-home dad is great but let this blog serve as a warning to any prospective fathers. Get healthy now, avoid daytime television, and get that jock out of the closet...you're going to need it.

Random Updates

"I just keep getting cuter"

Natalie keeps growing. Changing at a rate that no mortal blogger could keep up with...or at least no blogger who also has to care for her. What follows is a slew of Natalie updates in convenient Top Ten list form.

10. Bable-on: Natalie is currently a babbling fiend. She spends much of her day telling me her baby-thoughts and I, of course, am happy to listen. What scares me is that this might be a trait that continues into her teenage years. I've decided to start a charitable foundation called "Natalie's Minutes". Please give and help a family avoid going into debt when their daughter starts using a cell-phone.

9. Solid!: Natalie has begun to eat Solid foods. We were hopeful this would help her sleep through the night and if you consider 4am sleeping through the night...it has. So far, applesauce is her favorite. I have invented a new hip diet called the "baby-zone." All you eat is formula and pureed food. You're bound to lose weight because who wants pureed cupcakes?...wait a minute...that sounds pretty good.

8. Rollin', Rollin' Rollin', Rollin'... Rollin'on my belly: While Natalie long ago began rolling from her belly to her back, she recently began to roll from her back to her belly. The first step in making me chase her around the house all day.

7. Circadian Staccato: Natalie continues to defy the standard Circadian rhythm of humankind. During the day she sleeps in fairly predictable patterns but then at night she seems to be teasing us, occasionally sleeping till 4 or later but other times waking multiple times in need of comfort. In response, I've upped my coffee intake to 320 cups a day.

6. Presidential pull-out: Natalie has decided to pull out of the presidential race. While she has many enthusiastic supporters, she ultimately felt she needed to concentrate on learning how to talk, walk, and her acting career. She urges all other "marginal" candidates who've lost 11 contests in a row to drop out as well.

5. First Failure: In a devastating evaluation at her most recent doctor's appointment, Natalie was told her arm strength was pitiful. She has been put on a strict regimen of tummy-time, pull-ups, and protein shakes. We've hired a personal trainer and purchased tiny arm-weights.

4. Natalie will make you...Jump, Jump...: Natalie discovered the wonderful world of her jumper and decided it wasn't so wonderful. However, she is growing to like it and we're confident she'll develop her leaping skills soon, allowing her to participate in next year's slam-dunk contest.

3. Grunting: While she isn't making formal requests, Natalie has discovered that a simple grunt can express a number of things. Such as, "I want that", "Give me that" and "Why haven't you gotten that thing for me yet?!"

2. Out on the town: Natalie has enjoyed adventures to the grocery store, the mall, and the library. I have enjoyed juggling the 63 different things we have to bring every time we take her someplace.

1. Here Kitty, Kitty: Natalie desperately loves our cat Bruce. While Bruce is currently indifferent to Natalie, that may change once she becomes mobile. Her current method of displaying affection is reaching out, grabbing Bruce by the fur, and yanking really hard. Maybe we should just shave Bruce and spare him the pain...

Well, that's a good chunk of what's been going on with Natalie. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get some more coffee.

My Funny Valentine

Who wouldn't love these silly raspberry-ing women?

My whole life I've only had one Valentine at a time.

Growing up I had my mother. Then in high school I had my mother. Then in college I had my mother...until I finally met Sara in my Junior year.

(Editors Note: Anyone who claims there were any women in-between should know I have Roger Clemens's lawyers on speed dial and they are ready to begin a he said/she said war, which will inevitably end up in front of Congress, since they apparently like to take time out of their schedule to settle stupid inane disputes that have no bearing on the American Public while the country collapses around them)

(Editors note #2: I should also note that I love my mother and called her to say Happy Valentine's Day. Just in case anyone wanted to point out that my mother should always remain my Valentine.)

For the past eight years, I've celebrated Cupid's (and Hallmark's) holiday by wooing Sara and reminding her of my deep and devoted love. I've written poems, I've bought chocolate, I've bought thongs (but most of them didn't fit me quite right). But now I'm torn. Can a man have more than one Valentine? And if Cupid's laws dictate I choose only one, how would I do it?

Simple. A Pro/Con list...or rather just a Pro-list, since I don't want to get into hot water with either of my two women on such a special day. I also want to point out that to write a thorough Pro-list I would need to spend the rest of my life on this single Blog entry, so what follows is a quick and incomplete description...

Let's start with my wife:

1. Known her longer: I have seven and a half more years with my wife and let me add that they were seven and a half wonderful years...(I see you over there, rolling your eyes...)
2. Stimulating conversation: I love to hear Natalie babble but it's hard to debate the current primary race, talk about anything without turning it into a question (Did you poop in your pants?), or not use a effeminate voice.
3. Stimulating: ...
4. Countless Qualities: Too many to number but for the sake of winning brownie points and making her forget #3 here are just a few; Smart, Beautiful, Caring, Devoted, Hard-working, Penguin-like, Kind, Considerate, Able to leap tall buildings...
5. Helps out around the house: While Natalie makes a lot of messes, (not to mention my own contribution to clutter) Sara helps clean them up.
6. Puts up with me: It takes a brave woman to be married to a poet. A. We're notoriously scattered and messy. B. Our money making prospects are about as good as Hillary Clinton's prospects of winning in November (couldn't resist). C. We post blogs and write poems about them and then they get embarrassed or grumpy and we have to remind them that we love them a little more each day and that our life wouldn't be worth living without them and that the couch is really uncomfortable...

Natalie's Pros:

1. Cuteness: Sara is undeniably cute but she will readily admit that her reign as Queen of Cutopolis may have ended the day Natalie entered the world.
2. No-nag factor: Natalie has never asked me to clean up my office, put the seat down, or stop scratching myself...just sayin'
3. Napping: Sara hates naps. It is like some sort of genetic disdain she inherited from her father, which causes them to view naps as an admission of weakness. Natalie on the other hand is very Pro-nap. I stand by her on this issue.
4. Damsel in Distress: What man's heart doesn't break for a woman in need and Natalie is constantly in need. Yes, there are times at 2am where I ponder not answering her cries but then I remember her cuteness and sleepily waltz out of bed.
5. Sense of humor: Sara has a solid sense of humor but Natalie shares my enjoyment of farting, belching, making silly noises, performing zerberts and other crude gestures. Sara tends to disdain such lowbrow humor.
6. Puts up with me: Natalie has already watched 320 sports games with me, listened to 2,389 stupid made up songs, and had to deal with a dad fumbling his way through fatherhood but she grins and bears it like a champ.

Well, it's clear that I may never find a victor in my Valentine competition. I suppose I will have to carve out enough space in my heart for both women. Such is the trial of a man surrounded by two lovely ladies.

And I know this blog is a day late but when you’re as head-over-heals as I am, every day is Valentine's Day.

Footsie

What is this crazy thing?!

In one of the more epic discoveries of the past century, ranking right up there with anti-matter, cloning technology, and go-gurt...Natalie has found her feet.

It happened one normal afternoon on the changing table (Yet again lending more credence to the idea that some of our best thinking is done on the pot...or in this case, on the table). Natalie was busy, as usual, squirming and kicking and making it nearly impossible to get a new diaper on, when she noticed something odd looming in her peripheral vision.

It looked like a strange hand and smelled like a wet dog. But what was it exactly and why did it seem to be moving in a controlled fashion? And then, suddenly, like a ton of foam bricks, it hit her. These were her strange hands!...She controlled them!...And look she could grab them and pull on them and nearly get them into her mouth! And, as if that wasn't enough, she could use them to make it even more difficult to change her. Oh, what a wonderful morning that was for Natalie.

Since that day her fascination with her new found appendages has grown. It is indeed lucky that we have all these fancy interactive toys and rattles because they give me something to do while she marvels at the different lengths of her toes or coos while reaching playfully for her feet.

Her new discovery has also reaffirmed my theory that while scientists can study babies till their pocket-protectors turn blue, they will never truly be able to understand what babies are thinking. No adult can truly imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning, head to the john, and discover arms sticking out if his abdomen. I'm also sure our reaction to such a development would be a little more dramatic and a little less excited.

This is the joy of watching babies grow. Maybe we can't understand how they think but we can certainly admire their ability to navigate an ever-changing world and take it all in-stride.

Thumbs up

"Do you bite your thumb at us, mam?"

(Editors Note: Many of these blogs are going to be completely out of order and months overdue because of the lag created by the Holiday season. This entry started over two months ago and I am just now actually getting to it...but I figure this is better than just letting it die. Hopefully, when Natalie goes off to college, I will be caught up...)

At about three months (I said I'm behind, didn't I?!) Natalie found her thumb, or rather her whole hand...she hasn't quite mastered the art of getting just her thumb. Indeed, even now, past the five-month mark, she seems to prefer a three or four finger buffet to a single digit meal. Apparently her hand is pretty darn tasty, since she is constantly popping it in and out of her mouth.

It made me wonder what life would be like if we didn't discourage thumb sucking as a social convention.

Seriously, does any kid really want to stop sucking her thumb/hand? Hell, it took a one-hundred dollar bribe to get a girl I know to stop. (I'm not mentioning any names here, but let's just say her name begins with Bry and ends with N and that she's my sister...)

But I understand why. The thumb is really comforting, always accessible, and you can flavor it with anything from ketchup to boogers. Go ahead. Try it. (minus the boogers...unless you're feeling adventurous). Come on...just do it....

See. Okay, so maybe it's a bit awkward with the teeth in the way but only because it's been so long since you actually popped your thumb in your mouth. So why, at some prescribed age do we make kids stop? Wouldn't this be a happier world if we all had a built in source of comfort?

Just picture the next time your boss yells at you, being able to find instant happiness at the end of your arm. Sure, it would make shaking hands a little more difficult but I am sure we could invent some sort of thumb-sucking-hankie for clean-up after a good long nibble.

Think of the possible large-scale implications:
1. Less drinking. Why turn to alcohol when you can just turn your head?
2. A whole new industry centered around thumb-enhancement products (and we all know the economy needs some stimulus...get it...stimulus...moving on...)
3. Less violence. Seriously, are you going to keep hitting someone who puts his thumb in his mouth?
4. More napping. Something we could all use.

The downside:
1. Crooked teeth. A serious concern but we could work around this.
2. Having to see friends and family suck their thumbs in public. Ew.

But aren't crooked teeth and a little public awkwardness worth it?

Whose with me?

Raise your drool-soaked hand...

Snowed in...

What is this strange and glorious thing called sleep?








Apparently life on the campaign trail is wearing Natalie out. She managed to sleep till five this morning. That, coupled with Sara being snowed in from work for part of the day, made for a nice change to my usual Monday routine of Coffee and baby-talk. The only negative was having to shovel the driveway and realizing how out of shape I am...

Babies are good for the soul but I am not sure they are good for the waistline...

In other news, Natalie's opponents in the race for president have accused her of making the campaign all about cuteness. But that's simply absurd. Why would Natalie bring up a topic she is bound to win by a landslide? What good would it be to point out that next to her all the other candidates look like trolls? Really.

Primary School

Upon finding out a second woman was running for president, Hillary lends her support to Obama...






Tales of a House has recently learned that, dissatisfied with the crop of presidential candidates, Natalie Marcia Conklin has thrown her hat into the ring. What follows is an exclusive interview transcript with the new, idealistic candidate.

TALES: Ms. Conklin, thank you for granting us this interview.

NATALIE: Oh it is my pleasure, and please call me Natalie, or Pea, or Noodles...just don't call me the Super-duper-pooper or my Mom will get mad. (Laughing)

TALES: We wouldn't want that, we've heard your mother is a formidable woman.

NATALIE: Oh, indeed. She's my inspiration, and I'm not just saying that so she doesn't get mad at Daddy when she reads this...

TALES: Well, Natalie, I suppose we should ask what caused you to get involved with politics at such an early age.

NATALIE: I'm a natural politician.

TALES: How so?

NATALIE: I like to take naps, I don't clean up after myself, and I constantly change positions...(laughing)

TALES: Speaking of positions...I know America is anxious to know where you stand on the issues.

NATALIE: Where I stand? Look, I can't even sit without help and you want me to take a stance? (more laughter)

TALES: OK...then what is the platform you're running on?

NATALIE: Really? That's your follow up. It's just too easy...but seriously, I think the most important issue facing America right now is the war-on-terror.

TALES: And how do you plan on combating terror?

NATALIE: Well, I'll appoint Daddy Secretary of Boogey-man defense and Mommy General in charge of Germ-warfare. I also plan on proposing a ban on zerberts, noogies, and wedgies to help out some of our elderly voters between the ages of 2 and 18.

TALES: You realize none of those people can vote...

NATALIE: Maybe in YOUR America but in MY America all hard-working Americans will have a say in the governance of America. I think that is what makes America great. The American people. That, and Elmo. America.

TALES: Why do you keep saying America?

NATALIE: Americans like to hear their candidates talk about America. They also think they like change and I think I know a little something about changing.

TALES: Like what?

NATALIE: Well, you better have everything in place before you begin a change or else the results can be horribly messy.

TALES: So, what do you think of your competition?

NATALIE: Well, to borrow a line from that other female candidate "I believe in doing not thinking."

TALES: Did she say that?

NATALIE: No. But she could have...

TALES: And Obama?

NATALIE: He's too likeable.

TALES: Too likeable?

NATALIE: Come on, America doesn't want a candidate they can believe in. Someone who brings people together. Someone who doesn't rely on negative campaign tactics and fake tears. Someone who is smart. America thinks it wants change but it keeps voting otherwise.

TALES: This blog is starting to sound curiously like your father's way of pointing out his preference for presidential candidates.

NATALIE: Absurd. Daddy is rooting for me but if I fail he'll be happy to choose between Hillary's Gigantic Government machine, Huckabee's Christian Crusade, or Romney's Anti-Everyone message...

TALES: Those are some harsh words.

NATALIE: Sorry. The section of my brain that prevents me from saying exactly what I mean hasn't developed yet. It's likely to be my biggest pitfall...you know...honesty and all...

TALES: And McCain?

NATALIE: HA! Someone who isn't overly prepared or scripted? A War hero? Someone who is at least willing to go across party lines if the idea makes sense. Yeah, I'm sure he'll get the nomination...(chuckling)

TALES: Right. Natalie, your critics say you can't possibly win. In part, because you have only two full-time campaign workers. What do you have to say to these people.

NATALIE: (blows raspberry) Those two people work tirelessly round the clock for me. Just last night I needed to be held and fed at 3:30 and they were both there for me.

TALES: Do you really believe you have a chance at winning this election?

NATALIE: I don't know. (sighs) I don't know. But I do know America is ready for change. Change and less terror and more schooling and less taxes and change and America and Elmo and American Idol and naps...(trails off and face goes red...she grunts)

TALES: Natalie, is everything all right?

NATALIE: Of course, of course...but now, both America and I need a change...(cries and a weary man with a scraggly beard enters the room shaking his head...)