Thumbs up

"Do you bite your thumb at us, mam?"

(Editors Note: Many of these blogs are going to be completely out of order and months overdue because of the lag created by the Holiday season. This entry started over two months ago and I am just now actually getting to it...but I figure this is better than just letting it die. Hopefully, when Natalie goes off to college, I will be caught up...)

At about three months (I said I'm behind, didn't I?!) Natalie found her thumb, or rather her whole hand...she hasn't quite mastered the art of getting just her thumb. Indeed, even now, past the five-month mark, she seems to prefer a three or four finger buffet to a single digit meal. Apparently her hand is pretty darn tasty, since she is constantly popping it in and out of her mouth.

It made me wonder what life would be like if we didn't discourage thumb sucking as a social convention.

Seriously, does any kid really want to stop sucking her thumb/hand? Hell, it took a one-hundred dollar bribe to get a girl I know to stop. (I'm not mentioning any names here, but let's just say her name begins with Bry and ends with N and that she's my sister...)

But I understand why. The thumb is really comforting, always accessible, and you can flavor it with anything from ketchup to boogers. Go ahead. Try it. (minus the boogers...unless you're feeling adventurous). Come on...just do it....

See. Okay, so maybe it's a bit awkward with the teeth in the way but only because it's been so long since you actually popped your thumb in your mouth. So why, at some prescribed age do we make kids stop? Wouldn't this be a happier world if we all had a built in source of comfort?

Just picture the next time your boss yells at you, being able to find instant happiness at the end of your arm. Sure, it would make shaking hands a little more difficult but I am sure we could invent some sort of thumb-sucking-hankie for clean-up after a good long nibble.

Think of the possible large-scale implications:
1. Less drinking. Why turn to alcohol when you can just turn your head?
2. A whole new industry centered around thumb-enhancement products (and we all know the economy needs some stimulus...get it...stimulus...moving on...)
3. Less violence. Seriously, are you going to keep hitting someone who puts his thumb in his mouth?
4. More napping. Something we could all use.

The downside:
1. Crooked teeth. A serious concern but we could work around this.
2. Having to see friends and family suck their thumbs in public. Ew.

But aren't crooked teeth and a little public awkwardness worth it?

Whose with me?

Raise your drool-soaked hand...

Snowed in...

What is this strange and glorious thing called sleep?








Apparently life on the campaign trail is wearing Natalie out. She managed to sleep till five this morning. That, coupled with Sara being snowed in from work for part of the day, made for a nice change to my usual Monday routine of Coffee and baby-talk. The only negative was having to shovel the driveway and realizing how out of shape I am...

Babies are good for the soul but I am not sure they are good for the waistline...

In other news, Natalie's opponents in the race for president have accused her of making the campaign all about cuteness. But that's simply absurd. Why would Natalie bring up a topic she is bound to win by a landslide? What good would it be to point out that next to her all the other candidates look like trolls? Really.

Primary School

Upon finding out a second woman was running for president, Hillary lends her support to Obama...






Tales of a House has recently learned that, dissatisfied with the crop of presidential candidates, Natalie Marcia Conklin has thrown her hat into the ring. What follows is an exclusive interview transcript with the new, idealistic candidate.

TALES: Ms. Conklin, thank you for granting us this interview.

NATALIE: Oh it is my pleasure, and please call me Natalie, or Pea, or Noodles...just don't call me the Super-duper-pooper or my Mom will get mad. (Laughing)

TALES: We wouldn't want that, we've heard your mother is a formidable woman.

NATALIE: Oh, indeed. She's my inspiration, and I'm not just saying that so she doesn't get mad at Daddy when she reads this...

TALES: Well, Natalie, I suppose we should ask what caused you to get involved with politics at such an early age.

NATALIE: I'm a natural politician.

TALES: How so?

NATALIE: I like to take naps, I don't clean up after myself, and I constantly change positions...(laughing)

TALES: Speaking of positions...I know America is anxious to know where you stand on the issues.

NATALIE: Where I stand? Look, I can't even sit without help and you want me to take a stance? (more laughter)

TALES: OK...then what is the platform you're running on?

NATALIE: Really? That's your follow up. It's just too easy...but seriously, I think the most important issue facing America right now is the war-on-terror.

TALES: And how do you plan on combating terror?

NATALIE: Well, I'll appoint Daddy Secretary of Boogey-man defense and Mommy General in charge of Germ-warfare. I also plan on proposing a ban on zerberts, noogies, and wedgies to help out some of our elderly voters between the ages of 2 and 18.

TALES: You realize none of those people can vote...

NATALIE: Maybe in YOUR America but in MY America all hard-working Americans will have a say in the governance of America. I think that is what makes America great. The American people. That, and Elmo. America.

TALES: Why do you keep saying America?

NATALIE: Americans like to hear their candidates talk about America. They also think they like change and I think I know a little something about changing.

TALES: Like what?

NATALIE: Well, you better have everything in place before you begin a change or else the results can be horribly messy.

TALES: So, what do you think of your competition?

NATALIE: Well, to borrow a line from that other female candidate "I believe in doing not thinking."

TALES: Did she say that?

NATALIE: No. But she could have...

TALES: And Obama?

NATALIE: He's too likeable.

TALES: Too likeable?

NATALIE: Come on, America doesn't want a candidate they can believe in. Someone who brings people together. Someone who doesn't rely on negative campaign tactics and fake tears. Someone who is smart. America thinks it wants change but it keeps voting otherwise.

TALES: This blog is starting to sound curiously like your father's way of pointing out his preference for presidential candidates.

NATALIE: Absurd. Daddy is rooting for me but if I fail he'll be happy to choose between Hillary's Gigantic Government machine, Huckabee's Christian Crusade, or Romney's Anti-Everyone message...

TALES: Those are some harsh words.

NATALIE: Sorry. The section of my brain that prevents me from saying exactly what I mean hasn't developed yet. It's likely to be my biggest pitfall...you know...honesty and all...

TALES: And McCain?

NATALIE: HA! Someone who isn't overly prepared or scripted? A War hero? Someone who is at least willing to go across party lines if the idea makes sense. Yeah, I'm sure he'll get the nomination...(chuckling)

TALES: Right. Natalie, your critics say you can't possibly win. In part, because you have only two full-time campaign workers. What do you have to say to these people.

NATALIE: (blows raspberry) Those two people work tirelessly round the clock for me. Just last night I needed to be held and fed at 3:30 and they were both there for me.

TALES: Do you really believe you have a chance at winning this election?

NATALIE: I don't know. (sighs) I don't know. But I do know America is ready for change. Change and less terror and more schooling and less taxes and change and America and Elmo and American Idol and naps...(trails off and face goes red...she grunts)

TALES: Natalie, is everything all right?

NATALIE: Of course, of course...but now, both America and I need a change...(cries and a weary man with a scraggly beard enters the room shaking his head...)