And if ya don't know...

This is how we roll

It has been a long time since I've truly updated this blog. If I were to attempt to document all the accomplishments of my super-baby-genius since then, I would fail miserably. So what follows is a random assortment of some things Natalie and I thought you should know...


Some of Natalie's most interesting phrases:

"Yankees Yuk, Grandpa Lee! and Go Red Sox, Grandpa Lee!" Just because it is obvious doesn't make it any less genius. Take note Grandpa Lee, lest you wind up on the wrong side of geniosity.

"Broccoli, broccoli, OOOOOOOOO Cookie Monster" Natalie announced this at the dinner table the other night while pawing through her broccoli. We're not quite sure what it meant but I believe she was trying some sort of wizardry on her Broccoli in hopes of turning it into a cookie. If she had succeeded, we could have sold her services to grumpy Broccoli eaters everywhere...alas, it failed.

"Mama Trash. Dada Trash": Either this was her first insult or she was trying to express that only Mama and Dada can touch the trash.


Some interesting developments:

Fear Factor: Natalie has developed a fear of certain stuffed animals. If we even discuss one of the offending beasts, she shakes and clings to the nearest adult. The problem is we never know which stuffed animal might illicit this response, so we'll innocently pull out a former favorite toy, only to watch her breakdown. Apparently these type of unexplained fears are normal for her age, so when she suddenly begins to stress about a certain stuffed friend we stick him in the office closet. I have yet to find a link between the stuffed animals she fears and those she doesn't, though I am beginning to expect those that frighten her are demonically possessed, which is why I haven't spent much time in my office lately.

ABC's: Natalie knows a good deal of her letters, and enjoys singing the ABC song. She cruises through A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J, inserts another B for K, and then belts out M,M,M,M...Q. Which is either an indication that she doesn't knows those letters, or enjoys eating Qs.

Sing-Along: Natalie loves to sing other songs as well. Her repertoire is wide and eclectic. For instance she can sing "Where is pinky?" and then immediately break into a verse of "Too Hot" (Don't ask how she learned this song). Sure she mumbles some words, skips others, and invents a bunch, but I dare you to find something cuter than a toddler learning to sing.

Potty Training: No she is not trained yet. Please don't ask me again.

That's all for now, I am going to go burn those demonically possessed stuffed animals.

Return of the Blog!

"Look, it's a bird, it's a plane...oh no...it's Daddy's stupid blog"

Cue the dramatic announcer guy:

"This spring, just when you thought it was safe to surf the web, comes the return of the web's most poop-humor filled blog. Find out what happens when a father tries to potty train his little girl, discover just how demanding a two-year can be, and sing-along with the countless inane songs. This time they're will be no editing witch meens you may find a few mis stakes... but join as we embark on another epic or at least slightly entertaining journey."

Death of the Blog, Blog...

Alas, my blog is dying

Perhaps death isn't the right word. "Extended suspension", "Possible complete destruction", or "This blog is to continued entries as Sarah Palin is to continued political career" might be more fitting.

I'm currently working on a larger piece of fiction, leaving me little time to update the blog. I hope to bring the blog back to life, should I give up on this other writing project, finish it, or miraculously discover a 36 hour day.

Rest assured, Natalie is getting cuter and I am getting older and don't lose hope...if Sarah Palin can return in 2012...so can I...

Blog out.

Burning the 8:30 Oil...

"You Sir, are old!"

One of my best friends turns thirty this month, yet I feel like we're still in high school together (and Sara would say when my friend and I are together we act like it) but there is a larger part of me (and I am not talking about my expanding waistline) that feels really,
really
old.

For example, the Red Sox have once again made the playoffs but there was no way in hell I was staying up to watch the entire first game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who not only will lose the series to my beloved Red Sox, but also have a terribly long and stupid name. The game started at 10pm, which ten years ago would have been an optimal time to have my first Mountain Dew of the evening but which is currently an optimal time to have my first Tylenol PM.

How did this happen? I blame Natalie.

Before Natalie or B.N., which sounds disturbingly like B.M. so I won't use it again, I was still a night owl. I would stay up till midnight doing important things like writing poems, surfing the Internet, and watching South Park re-runs. Now if I'm up at midnight it is to put Natalie back to sleep before crumpling back into bed myself.

There are other signs that my age is catching up with me:

1. I ache for no apparent reason especially when it is cold.

2. I look forward to going to the grocery store.

3. I drink Green Tea.

4. I haven't played a video game in over six months.

5. I turned on the TV weeks ago and had no idea who was pitching for the Red Sox.

6. I think about my cholesterol more than once every year.

7. I have a retirement plan.

8. Cashiers card me at the grocery store but always have a smile that says, "I know you are over 21 but I have to do this anyway you old-fart."

It's disheartening. Luckily every time I start feeling especially old, I get to see the world through Natalie's adorable little eyes, as she discovers some new truth about the world like gravity, running is harder to do than walking, or that the Red Sox are awesome.

I'm going to get us both a couple Mountain Dews and hunker down in front of the TV for game two tonight, unless of course I pass out before it starts...

A long time coming...

Natalie does her best impression of a fish

This blog has unfortunately become a monthly highlight show, breaking down Natalie's many accomplishments and my many blunders with little attention to detail. Before I get to Natalie's new and amazing talents I'll list my excuses.

A. Natalie has been busy testing her "Random Tantrum Reactionary Theory." The Random Tantrum Reactionary Theory or "RT-RT" states that one should throw tantrums at random times for no reason to discover how adults will react. Natalie tested this theory for two weeks around her birthday but has since lowered her testing rate. I'm suspicious, however, that she is simply analyzing her results...

B. She has also been testing the "Night-time Screaming Effects Theory." The Night-time Screaming Effects Theory or "N-SET" states that a baby should test just how many times a mommy and daddy will enter said baby's room at night if that baby screams really loud. "N-Set" also looks at the effects on Mommies and Daddies the next day.

C. We traveled to upstate NY. Keep in mind parts of Upstate NY exist in a time warp where high-speed Internet is non-existent, people think Jimmy Carter is president, and the number of cows are only outnumbered by the number of cow-patties.

Ultimately my best excuse is that I have been running-wild taking care of a little girl who is extremely busy at life. Changing and evolving every day. Here are some of her more notable recent achievements:

1. Walk around the Clock: For a long time when people asked if Natalie was walking yet, we'd respond with a vague answer like "She takes steps" or "Kind of" or "Look, she is a super-baby genius and just because she isn't walking yet doesn't mean she isn't a super-baby genius, so back off buster!" But now Natalie is officially a walking baby, toddling around the house at drunken speeds.

2. Word Explosion: Natalie has learned a ton of new words, most of which she doesn't pronounce quite right. She says "Mama", "Dada", "Hat", "Eye", "Guck"(Duck), "Bup" (Cup), "Cah" (Car...which she pahks in havahd yahd), "Ha" (Hi), "Raap" (Rope), "hum" (home), and several more.

3. Non-word Explosion: Natalie has not only learned official "dictionary words" but some unofficial words as well. As a poet, I fully support unofficial words. She has learned that dogs say, "woof, woof" and when she hears a dog in the distance, she barks along. She knows that monkeys say "Ah-Ah-Ah.", kitties say "houuum" (her odd version of meow), and she knows that Sarah Palin says nothing nice, so shouldn't say anything at all.

4. A Dad's proudest moment yet: In Natalie's first year of life, I've enjoyed many memorable events, from her first babble, to her first word, to her first step. But without a doubt my most hubris inspiring moment to date is teaching Natalie to say "Bawp" every time someone burps. It is undeniably adorable and, as a bonus, undeniably gets under Sara's skin.

5. Command Center: If it wasn't already clear who is in charge around here, Natalie can now follow my simple commands like "Bring me the book" or "Bring me a beer." She joins the dog in her strict obedience, now I just need to work on her mother...

6. Huggie!: In her cutest development to date, Natalie offers hugs on demand and also out of the blue. Nothing brightens an otherwise dull day like a hug from an adorable super-baby-genius.

7. Goo-Goo for Gaa-Gaa: Up until recently Natalie had not become attached to any one toy. She had favorites, but would often grow weary of even her most beloved play-things. That is until "Ga-Ga" came along. "Ga-Ga" was a gift from her aunt Allison, a squishy baby-doll with bright blue-eyes, who Natalie instantly dubbed "Ga-Ga." Now we just mention Ga-Ga's name and Natalie lights-up with excitement. She is very fond of giving Ga-Ga hugs teeters around the house with Ga-Ga in tow.

8. Eye of the Tiger: As mentioned above, Natalie has learned to say the word "Eye" and lately it's her very favorite word to say. This would be fine except for the fact that she likes to forcefully point out the words she says, regularly jabbing a pudgy little finger in the direction of our optical nerves. Sara and I have recently invested in some protective eye-wear.

There's so much more but Natalie is apparently testing "SBNOIWTAHT" or "Stop blogging now or I will throw a hissy-fit theory"

I better get my goggles...

Natalie version 11.0

How is she already 11 months old?!

Natalie is less than a month away from her first birthday (gulp!). This time last year we were scrambling to get her nursery ready, trying to keep Sara cool, and trying to keep me from passing out.

Now, we're blessed with a little girl who keeps getting better right before our eyes. It's like watching the stock market...only the opposite.

Once again my ability to keep up with a super-baby-genius's development has been hampered by the super-baby-genius herself. No doubt some part of her elaborate plan to take over the world and turn it into one giant Cheerio....

Anyway, some recent developments...

Step by Step: Months ago, before she started crawling, I believed Natalie would walk first. She wore us out with constant demands to be walked around the house and temper-tantrums when she wasn't walking. When she figured out how to crawl, however, walking took a back seat as she explored her world from the ground level. But walking would not wait forever.

Last Thursday Natalie took her first extremely wobbly steps. Her gate reminded me of any given fraternity brother's on Saturday nights at Hamilton, giving further credence to my theory that Natalie is a Fraternity Brother...

I reacted slightly differently than I did in college, rather than turn my head in disgust, I picked Natalie up and bear hugged her, adding plenty of zerberts...I don't think the Fraternity brother would have giggled...though I may be wrong.

HA! Is it me you're looking for?: Natalie's tiny little vocal cords are unfortunately lagging behind her tiny little super-awesome-baby-genius-of-glory brain. In trying to teach her how to wave she not only learned to wag her little hand, she also learned to say Hi...except she can't yet pronounce the "I" sound, so it comes out Ha! A few people were offended the other day when we passed them in the grocery store and Natalie frantically waved them down exclaiming "Ha! Ha!...HAAAA!"

Signs, Signs, everywhere there's Signs: Natalie is also working on her sign-language skills. She is now able to make the sign for "light." I also suspect some of her other seemingly innocuous hand movements may actually be a secret code for the dog in an effort to form an alliance and overthrow the keepers of the food.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time: She may not be referring to a dancing and singing banana but she does now say "Nana." Unfortunately she doesn't eat her "Nana" as enthusiastically as she says the word.

Speed Demon: When Natalie first began to crawl she moved at the speed the word suggests but recently she has improved her forty-time (forty inches that is) dramatically. She also has begun to enjoy chasing Daddy around the house, which has given daddy the opportunity to improve his own shoddy conditioning.

Share...Share...Share...: Most children have a hard time learning how to share. Greedily hoarding stuff is of course one of Man's many flaws. However, since Natalie has no flaws she has already begun to share. She takes great joy in giving mommy and daddy her toys, her half-eaten watermelon, or the piece of fuzz she finds on the floor. Skeptics might suggest that this phase will soon end and she'll start hoarding as much stuff as possible, which will result in my discovery of a massive half-eaten-watermelon-and-fuzz ball under her bed.

Funny-Bone: There is no other way to put it...Natalie is a goof-ball. She revels in silly games including but not limited to, "What does stuff look like upside down", "What can we find in Daddy's belly-button", "Zerbert War", "Shaky-haired Mommy", "Hey look there's something over there" and "Copy-cat". She finds all of these games uproariously funny and enjoys making Mommy and Daddy laugh. She may have a future in stand-up...or the white house.

Read to me...now!: While Natalie is ahead of the curve on sharing, her patience with my inability to instantly meet all her needs and wants is lacking. The best example of this impatience is perhaps her constant and unwavering desire to read books. She will pull a book from her toy box or point to one on the shelf and at first she will politely point to daddy and then back to the book. If, however, daddy doesn't do as he's told or if he isn't paying attention, she will move on to phase two...tossing the book directly at daddy's face.

Usually this gets daddy's attention.

I'm comforted by the fact that she is demanding to be read to instead of demanding more TV. I'm also adept at dealing with being punished for not meeting demand protocol, having been married now for six years...

Independence Declaration

Natalie celebrates her independence with a fistful of Cheerios

Last week the nation celebrated its independence with copious amounts of fireworks, beer, and tiny little flags. Natalie, though scared of the fireworks and not yet allowed to drink the beer, fully appreciated why so many people were partying. She herself is beginning to understand the joy of self-reliance.

She may be 16 years away from driving, 18 years away from college, and 30 years away from her first date but she has already started to let mommy and daddy know that their assistance and constant attention is not always needed or desired.

Her independent streak is both a relief and a burden. She may no longer need mommy and daddy to rescue her if she accidentally rolls onto her tummy or a toy slips away but she also wanders willingly and purposefully, usually directly into mischief.

Here are some of the ways Natalie is establishing her independence:

Mobile Unit:

If ever there was an event that defines the phrase "A blessing and a curse" it is when a baby becomes mobile. Initially parents breath a sigh of relief...their child can do more than flop around on the floor and scream when she can't get to her desired destination. It's magical to watch a child discover her world, strike out on new adventures, and delve into the mysteries of everything from what lies beneath the couch to what lies inside the trash.

And there's the rub.

For every new ability their is a price. When Natalie could do no more than roll and squirm, I could put her down and grab a cup of coffee knowing the worst possible outcome was a grumpy baby. Now, by the time I make my coffee the cat could have lost half his hair, the plant could be upended, and Natalie could be experimenting with knife juggling.

Despite the need for more vigilance and fewer knives, the blessings of mobility far outweigh the curses. Every time Natalie purposefully crawls over for a snuggle or a zerbert I forget that I may not be allowed to pee for another six hours.

Stop Feeding me Seymour!:

Natalie has been eating finger foods for months but only recently did she decide to feed herself. She's never had a problem stuffing her face full of dog hair, grass, or the stray toe-nail but when she sat down to eat actual food she displayed no interest in picking up all the various goodies we put in front of her, most of which had more nutritional value than toe-nails. Perhaps it was a bit of the princess in her wanting to be hand-fed or perhaps she just wasn't getting the connection but two weeks ago something clicked and now she shovels food in with glee and vigor. Unfortunately, this has also renewed her interest in every tiny morsel, edible or not, that she finds on the ground.

Play Time:

Much of my day is spent entertaining Natalie. I sing silly songs, I read silly books, I dance around in wholly non-silly ways and we generally have a good time together. Although she has yet to stop introducing me to her friends or say things like "Dad, please, for the love of god don't embarrass me by dancing in wholly non-silly ways in front of Susan", she has begun to clearly show that Daddy is not always needed.

I can hand her a measuring cup or wooden spoon and she will entertain herself for fifteen minutes by simply banging it around and seeing what it can do. Overall this has been a huge benefit since it allows me to watch her while still accomplishing something, though it is a bit of a blow to my ego.

Perhaps I should work on my wholly non-silly dance moves.

Mischief Maker:

I wouldn't call Natalie defiant but she certainly has no problem wading into mischief. Thankfully the word "no" is starting to have some impact on her actions, even if that impact is only to get her to look at us with a vicious smile. We are in the process of teaching her limits so she no longer heads directly for knife juggling when daddy turns his back but she is either a bit of an imp, simply testing the boundaries and our resolve to keep them, or just not getting it yet.

The most interesting activities are inevitably those which we are trying to discourage and when she is redirected elsewhere it often results in a little mini-fit of arm flapping and screeching before she settles on some new and equally bad thing to accomplish. I think this natural propensity for mischief clearly stems from her mother's side...



Natalie's growth over the past few months has been astonishing. She went from cute little lump to adventurous imp within months. As she continues to assert her independence, we will be there watching, smiling, and hiding the knives.