Primary School

Upon finding out a second woman was running for president, Hillary lends her support to Obama...






Tales of a House has recently learned that, dissatisfied with the crop of presidential candidates, Natalie Marcia Conklin has thrown her hat into the ring. What follows is an exclusive interview transcript with the new, idealistic candidate.

TALES: Ms. Conklin, thank you for granting us this interview.

NATALIE: Oh it is my pleasure, and please call me Natalie, or Pea, or Noodles...just don't call me the Super-duper-pooper or my Mom will get mad. (Laughing)

TALES: We wouldn't want that, we've heard your mother is a formidable woman.

NATALIE: Oh, indeed. She's my inspiration, and I'm not just saying that so she doesn't get mad at Daddy when she reads this...

TALES: Well, Natalie, I suppose we should ask what caused you to get involved with politics at such an early age.

NATALIE: I'm a natural politician.

TALES: How so?

NATALIE: I like to take naps, I don't clean up after myself, and I constantly change positions...(laughing)

TALES: Speaking of positions...I know America is anxious to know where you stand on the issues.

NATALIE: Where I stand? Look, I can't even sit without help and you want me to take a stance? (more laughter)

TALES: OK...then what is the platform you're running on?

NATALIE: Really? That's your follow up. It's just too easy...but seriously, I think the most important issue facing America right now is the war-on-terror.

TALES: And how do you plan on combating terror?

NATALIE: Well, I'll appoint Daddy Secretary of Boogey-man defense and Mommy General in charge of Germ-warfare. I also plan on proposing a ban on zerberts, noogies, and wedgies to help out some of our elderly voters between the ages of 2 and 18.

TALES: You realize none of those people can vote...

NATALIE: Maybe in YOUR America but in MY America all hard-working Americans will have a say in the governance of America. I think that is what makes America great. The American people. That, and Elmo. America.

TALES: Why do you keep saying America?

NATALIE: Americans like to hear their candidates talk about America. They also think they like change and I think I know a little something about changing.

TALES: Like what?

NATALIE: Well, you better have everything in place before you begin a change or else the results can be horribly messy.

TALES: So, what do you think of your competition?

NATALIE: Well, to borrow a line from that other female candidate "I believe in doing not thinking."

TALES: Did she say that?

NATALIE: No. But she could have...

TALES: And Obama?

NATALIE: He's too likeable.

TALES: Too likeable?

NATALIE: Come on, America doesn't want a candidate they can believe in. Someone who brings people together. Someone who doesn't rely on negative campaign tactics and fake tears. Someone who is smart. America thinks it wants change but it keeps voting otherwise.

TALES: This blog is starting to sound curiously like your father's way of pointing out his preference for presidential candidates.

NATALIE: Absurd. Daddy is rooting for me but if I fail he'll be happy to choose between Hillary's Gigantic Government machine, Huckabee's Christian Crusade, or Romney's Anti-Everyone message...

TALES: Those are some harsh words.

NATALIE: Sorry. The section of my brain that prevents me from saying exactly what I mean hasn't developed yet. It's likely to be my biggest pitfall...you know...honesty and all...

TALES: And McCain?

NATALIE: HA! Someone who isn't overly prepared or scripted? A War hero? Someone who is at least willing to go across party lines if the idea makes sense. Yeah, I'm sure he'll get the nomination...(chuckling)

TALES: Right. Natalie, your critics say you can't possibly win. In part, because you have only two full-time campaign workers. What do you have to say to these people.

NATALIE: (blows raspberry) Those two people work tirelessly round the clock for me. Just last night I needed to be held and fed at 3:30 and they were both there for me.

TALES: Do you really believe you have a chance at winning this election?

NATALIE: I don't know. (sighs) I don't know. But I do know America is ready for change. Change and less terror and more schooling and less taxes and change and America and Elmo and American Idol and naps...(trails off and face goes red...she grunts)

TALES: Natalie, is everything all right?

NATALIE: Of course, of course...but now, both America and I need a change...(cries and a weary man with a scraggly beard enters the room shaking his head...)