Random Updates

"I just keep getting cuter"

Natalie keeps growing. Changing at a rate that no mortal blogger could keep up with...or at least no blogger who also has to care for her. What follows is a slew of Natalie updates in convenient Top Ten list form.

10. Bable-on: Natalie is currently a babbling fiend. She spends much of her day telling me her baby-thoughts and I, of course, am happy to listen. What scares me is that this might be a trait that continues into her teenage years. I've decided to start a charitable foundation called "Natalie's Minutes". Please give and help a family avoid going into debt when their daughter starts using a cell-phone.

9. Solid!: Natalie has begun to eat Solid foods. We were hopeful this would help her sleep through the night and if you consider 4am sleeping through the night...it has. So far, applesauce is her favorite. I have invented a new hip diet called the "baby-zone." All you eat is formula and pureed food. You're bound to lose weight because who wants pureed cupcakes?...wait a minute...that sounds pretty good.

8. Rollin', Rollin' Rollin', Rollin'... Rollin'on my belly: While Natalie long ago began rolling from her belly to her back, she recently began to roll from her back to her belly. The first step in making me chase her around the house all day.

7. Circadian Staccato: Natalie continues to defy the standard Circadian rhythm of humankind. During the day she sleeps in fairly predictable patterns but then at night she seems to be teasing us, occasionally sleeping till 4 or later but other times waking multiple times in need of comfort. In response, I've upped my coffee intake to 320 cups a day.

6. Presidential pull-out: Natalie has decided to pull out of the presidential race. While she has many enthusiastic supporters, she ultimately felt she needed to concentrate on learning how to talk, walk, and her acting career. She urges all other "marginal" candidates who've lost 11 contests in a row to drop out as well.

5. First Failure: In a devastating evaluation at her most recent doctor's appointment, Natalie was told her arm strength was pitiful. She has been put on a strict regimen of tummy-time, pull-ups, and protein shakes. We've hired a personal trainer and purchased tiny arm-weights.

4. Natalie will make you...Jump, Jump...: Natalie discovered the wonderful world of her jumper and decided it wasn't so wonderful. However, she is growing to like it and we're confident she'll develop her leaping skills soon, allowing her to participate in next year's slam-dunk contest.

3. Grunting: While she isn't making formal requests, Natalie has discovered that a simple grunt can express a number of things. Such as, "I want that", "Give me that" and "Why haven't you gotten that thing for me yet?!"

2. Out on the town: Natalie has enjoyed adventures to the grocery store, the mall, and the library. I have enjoyed juggling the 63 different things we have to bring every time we take her someplace.

1. Here Kitty, Kitty: Natalie desperately loves our cat Bruce. While Bruce is currently indifferent to Natalie, that may change once she becomes mobile. Her current method of displaying affection is reaching out, grabbing Bruce by the fur, and yanking really hard. Maybe we should just shave Bruce and spare him the pain...

Well, that's a good chunk of what's been going on with Natalie. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get some more coffee.

My Funny Valentine

Who wouldn't love these silly raspberry-ing women?

My whole life I've only had one Valentine at a time.

Growing up I had my mother. Then in high school I had my mother. Then in college I had my mother...until I finally met Sara in my Junior year.

(Editors Note: Anyone who claims there were any women in-between should know I have Roger Clemens's lawyers on speed dial and they are ready to begin a he said/she said war, which will inevitably end up in front of Congress, since they apparently like to take time out of their schedule to settle stupid inane disputes that have no bearing on the American Public while the country collapses around them)

(Editors note #2: I should also note that I love my mother and called her to say Happy Valentine's Day. Just in case anyone wanted to point out that my mother should always remain my Valentine.)

For the past eight years, I've celebrated Cupid's (and Hallmark's) holiday by wooing Sara and reminding her of my deep and devoted love. I've written poems, I've bought chocolate, I've bought thongs (but most of them didn't fit me quite right). But now I'm torn. Can a man have more than one Valentine? And if Cupid's laws dictate I choose only one, how would I do it?

Simple. A Pro/Con list...or rather just a Pro-list, since I don't want to get into hot water with either of my two women on such a special day. I also want to point out that to write a thorough Pro-list I would need to spend the rest of my life on this single Blog entry, so what follows is a quick and incomplete description...

Let's start with my wife:

1. Known her longer: I have seven and a half more years with my wife and let me add that they were seven and a half wonderful years...(I see you over there, rolling your eyes...)
2. Stimulating conversation: I love to hear Natalie babble but it's hard to debate the current primary race, talk about anything without turning it into a question (Did you poop in your pants?), or not use a effeminate voice.
3. Stimulating: ...
4. Countless Qualities: Too many to number but for the sake of winning brownie points and making her forget #3 here are just a few; Smart, Beautiful, Caring, Devoted, Hard-working, Penguin-like, Kind, Considerate, Able to leap tall buildings...
5. Helps out around the house: While Natalie makes a lot of messes, (not to mention my own contribution to clutter) Sara helps clean them up.
6. Puts up with me: It takes a brave woman to be married to a poet. A. We're notoriously scattered and messy. B. Our money making prospects are about as good as Hillary Clinton's prospects of winning in November (couldn't resist). C. We post blogs and write poems about them and then they get embarrassed or grumpy and we have to remind them that we love them a little more each day and that our life wouldn't be worth living without them and that the couch is really uncomfortable...

Natalie's Pros:

1. Cuteness: Sara is undeniably cute but she will readily admit that her reign as Queen of Cutopolis may have ended the day Natalie entered the world.
2. No-nag factor: Natalie has never asked me to clean up my office, put the seat down, or stop scratching myself...just sayin'
3. Napping: Sara hates naps. It is like some sort of genetic disdain she inherited from her father, which causes them to view naps as an admission of weakness. Natalie on the other hand is very Pro-nap. I stand by her on this issue.
4. Damsel in Distress: What man's heart doesn't break for a woman in need and Natalie is constantly in need. Yes, there are times at 2am where I ponder not answering her cries but then I remember her cuteness and sleepily waltz out of bed.
5. Sense of humor: Sara has a solid sense of humor but Natalie shares my enjoyment of farting, belching, making silly noises, performing zerberts and other crude gestures. Sara tends to disdain such lowbrow humor.
6. Puts up with me: Natalie has already watched 320 sports games with me, listened to 2,389 stupid made up songs, and had to deal with a dad fumbling his way through fatherhood but she grins and bears it like a champ.

Well, it's clear that I may never find a victor in my Valentine competition. I suppose I will have to carve out enough space in my heart for both women. Such is the trial of a man surrounded by two lovely ladies.

And I know this blog is a day late but when you’re as head-over-heals as I am, every day is Valentine's Day.

Footsie

What is this crazy thing?!

In one of the more epic discoveries of the past century, ranking right up there with anti-matter, cloning technology, and go-gurt...Natalie has found her feet.

It happened one normal afternoon on the changing table (Yet again lending more credence to the idea that some of our best thinking is done on the pot...or in this case, on the table). Natalie was busy, as usual, squirming and kicking and making it nearly impossible to get a new diaper on, when she noticed something odd looming in her peripheral vision.

It looked like a strange hand and smelled like a wet dog. But what was it exactly and why did it seem to be moving in a controlled fashion? And then, suddenly, like a ton of foam bricks, it hit her. These were her strange hands!...She controlled them!...And look she could grab them and pull on them and nearly get them into her mouth! And, as if that wasn't enough, she could use them to make it even more difficult to change her. Oh, what a wonderful morning that was for Natalie.

Since that day her fascination with her new found appendages has grown. It is indeed lucky that we have all these fancy interactive toys and rattles because they give me something to do while she marvels at the different lengths of her toes or coos while reaching playfully for her feet.

Her new discovery has also reaffirmed my theory that while scientists can study babies till their pocket-protectors turn blue, they will never truly be able to understand what babies are thinking. No adult can truly imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning, head to the john, and discover arms sticking out if his abdomen. I'm also sure our reaction to such a development would be a little more dramatic and a little less excited.

This is the joy of watching babies grow. Maybe we can't understand how they think but we can certainly admire their ability to navigate an ever-changing world and take it all in-stride.