Who wouldn't love these silly raspberry-ing women?
My whole life I've only had one Valentine at a time.
Growing up I had my mother. Then in high school I had my mother. Then in college I had my mother...until I finally met Sara in my Junior year.
(Editors Note: Anyone who claims there were any women in-between should know I have Roger Clemens's lawyers on speed dial and they are ready to begin a he said/she said war, which will inevitably end up in front of Congress, since they apparently like to take time out of their schedule to settle stupid inane disputes that have no bearing on the American Public while the country collapses around them)
(Editors note #2: I should also note that I love my mother and called her to say Happy Valentine's Day. Just in case anyone wanted to point out that my mother should always remain my Valentine.)
For the past eight years, I've celebrated Cupid's (and Hallmark's) holiday by wooing Sara and reminding her of my deep and devoted love. I've written poems, I've bought chocolate, I've bought thongs (but most of them didn't fit me quite right). But now I'm torn. Can a man have more than one Valentine? And if Cupid's laws dictate I choose only one, how would I do it?
Simple. A Pro/Con list...or rather just a Pro-list, since I don't want to get into hot water with either of my two women on such a special day. I also want to point out that to write a thorough Pro-list I would need to spend the rest of my life on this single Blog entry, so what follows is a quick and incomplete description...
Let's start with my wife:
1. Known her longer: I have seven and a half more years with my wife and let me add that they were seven and a half wonderful years...(I see you over there, rolling your eyes...)
2. Stimulating conversation: I love to hear Natalie babble but it's hard to debate the current primary race, talk about anything without turning it into a question (Did you poop in your pants?), or not use a effeminate voice.
3. Stimulating: ...
4. Countless Qualities: Too many to number but for the sake of winning brownie points and making her forget #3 here are just a few; Smart, Beautiful, Caring, Devoted, Hard-working, Penguin-like, Kind, Considerate, Able to leap tall buildings...
5. Helps out around the house: While Natalie makes a lot of messes, (not to mention my own contribution to clutter) Sara helps clean them up.
6. Puts up with me: It takes a brave woman to be married to a poet. A. We're notoriously scattered and messy. B. Our money making prospects are about as good as Hillary Clinton's prospects of winning in November (couldn't resist). C. We post blogs and write poems about them and then they get embarrassed or grumpy and we have to remind them that we love them a little more each day and that our life wouldn't be worth living without them and that the couch is really uncomfortable...
Natalie's Pros:
1. Cuteness: Sara is undeniably cute but she will readily admit that her reign as Queen of Cutopolis may have ended the day Natalie entered the world.
2. No-nag factor: Natalie has never asked me to clean up my office, put the seat down, or stop scratching myself...just sayin'
3. Napping: Sara hates naps. It is like some sort of genetic disdain she inherited from her father, which causes them to view naps as an admission of weakness. Natalie on the other hand is very Pro-nap. I stand by her on this issue.
4. Damsel in Distress: What man's heart doesn't break for a woman in need and Natalie is constantly in need. Yes, there are times at 2am where I ponder not answering her cries but then I remember her cuteness and sleepily waltz out of bed.
5. Sense of humor: Sara has a solid sense of humor but Natalie shares my enjoyment of farting, belching, making silly noises, performing zerberts and other crude gestures. Sara tends to disdain such lowbrow humor.
6. Puts up with me: Natalie has already watched 320 sports games with me, listened to 2,389 stupid made up songs, and had to deal with a dad fumbling his way through fatherhood but she grins and bears it like a champ.
Well, it's clear that I may never find a victor in my Valentine competition. I suppose I will have to carve out enough space in my heart for both women. Such is the trial of a man surrounded by two lovely ladies.
And I know this blog is a day late but when you’re as head-over-heals as I am, every day is Valentine's Day.
Growing up I had my mother. Then in high school I had my mother. Then in college I had my mother...until I finally met Sara in my Junior year.
(Editors Note: Anyone who claims there were any women in-between should know I have Roger Clemens's lawyers on speed dial and they are ready to begin a he said/she said war, which will inevitably end up in front of Congress, since they apparently like to take time out of their schedule to settle stupid inane disputes that have no bearing on the American Public while the country collapses around them)
(Editors note #2: I should also note that I love my mother and called her to say Happy Valentine's Day. Just in case anyone wanted to point out that my mother should always remain my Valentine.)
For the past eight years, I've celebrated Cupid's (and Hallmark's) holiday by wooing Sara and reminding her of my deep and devoted love. I've written poems, I've bought chocolate, I've bought thongs (but most of them didn't fit me quite right). But now I'm torn. Can a man have more than one Valentine? And if Cupid's laws dictate I choose only one, how would I do it?
Simple. A Pro/Con list...or rather just a Pro-list, since I don't want to get into hot water with either of my two women on such a special day. I also want to point out that to write a thorough Pro-list I would need to spend the rest of my life on this single Blog entry, so what follows is a quick and incomplete description...
Let's start with my wife:
1. Known her longer: I have seven and a half more years with my wife and let me add that they were seven and a half wonderful years...(I see you over there, rolling your eyes...)
2. Stimulating conversation: I love to hear Natalie babble but it's hard to debate the current primary race, talk about anything without turning it into a question (Did you poop in your pants?), or not use a effeminate voice.
3. Stimulating: ...
4. Countless Qualities: Too many to number but for the sake of winning brownie points and making her forget #3 here are just a few; Smart, Beautiful, Caring, Devoted, Hard-working, Penguin-like, Kind, Considerate, Able to leap tall buildings...
5. Helps out around the house: While Natalie makes a lot of messes, (not to mention my own contribution to clutter) Sara helps clean them up.
6. Puts up with me: It takes a brave woman to be married to a poet. A. We're notoriously scattered and messy. B. Our money making prospects are about as good as Hillary Clinton's prospects of winning in November (couldn't resist). C. We post blogs and write poems about them and then they get embarrassed or grumpy and we have to remind them that we love them a little more each day and that our life wouldn't be worth living without them and that the couch is really uncomfortable...
Natalie's Pros:
1. Cuteness: Sara is undeniably cute but she will readily admit that her reign as Queen of Cutopolis may have ended the day Natalie entered the world.
2. No-nag factor: Natalie has never asked me to clean up my office, put the seat down, or stop scratching myself...just sayin'
3. Napping: Sara hates naps. It is like some sort of genetic disdain she inherited from her father, which causes them to view naps as an admission of weakness. Natalie on the other hand is very Pro-nap. I stand by her on this issue.
4. Damsel in Distress: What man's heart doesn't break for a woman in need and Natalie is constantly in need. Yes, there are times at 2am where I ponder not answering her cries but then I remember her cuteness and sleepily waltz out of bed.
5. Sense of humor: Sara has a solid sense of humor but Natalie shares my enjoyment of farting, belching, making silly noises, performing zerberts and other crude gestures. Sara tends to disdain such lowbrow humor.
6. Puts up with me: Natalie has already watched 320 sports games with me, listened to 2,389 stupid made up songs, and had to deal with a dad fumbling his way through fatherhood but she grins and bears it like a champ.
Well, it's clear that I may never find a victor in my Valentine competition. I suppose I will have to carve out enough space in my heart for both women. Such is the trial of a man surrounded by two lovely ladies.
And I know this blog is a day late but when you’re as head-over-heals as I am, every day is Valentine's Day.
1 comment:
I wholeheartedly agree that your couch is uncomfortable. Oh, and the ladies are pretty great too...
Post a Comment