First Cut

Natalie's threats are no longer toothless

At 29 (I've decided to say things like "At 29" or "As a 29 year old" as many times as possible before I turn thirty) I have no idea what it's like to grow a tooth. I had my Wisdom teeth out several years ago and those weren't so much growing as interfering with the infinite wisdom I already possessed.

I can imagine the process is painful. My ability to imagine how painful is aided by my always adorable but lately rather grumpy daughter, who is busy working her first tiny tooth through. I call this tooth 'big chomper' in an effort to make Natalie feel big and tough and because I have nothing to do all day but make up names for my daughter's teeth.

Teeth are a big deal for babies. Soon Natalie will be able to munch on more than overly steamed carrots, soggy Cheerios, and the dog. Soon she will enter a brave new world of crackers and cheese and she'll be able to make the dog yelp when she bites...not to mention Mommy.

Unfortunately, there are twenty more teeth to go. While the big enamel event has been relatively calm, Natalie has had her moments over the past several days. For example, the moment called Wednesday when she fussed every thirty seconds.

Why can't all these stupid things just spring up in one extremely grumpy day instead of a prolonged mildly grumpy two years at which point she'll finish growing teeth and start using them on children who make her angry? Biology is dumb. I propose that scientists research a way to get all teeth to grow at once. If they can do it with the Chia-pet they can do it with teeth! This is America Dammit!

The other "extra add-on side-effect of wonderfullness" that comes hand in hand with teething is extra drool. So Natalie is grumpy AND leaving puddles of saliva all over the house. If she was a thoughtful daughter Natalie would at least grow teeth with built in gold fronts so we could sell them when they come loose.

Which brings me to my final point. I hate teeth falling out. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does. While I'm not the guy who seeks out the eye-surgery channel on TV, I tend to be able to handle blood and injuries when they happen in real life (perhaps because I've had my share). But I hate watching little kids wiggle teeth from their gums and I hate the parents who sit their and encourage it. "Oh..Oh..come on little Johnny give it a good wiggle. Let me see. Oh yeah. Oh boy. The tooth fairy will be visiting you soon little Johnny. That's it! Twist it on it's last little strand of flesh. What a good boy you are Johnny." At this point I generally punch the offending parent in the face or walk away while throwing up a little in my mouth...

Seriously, I have nightmares about all my teeth falling out and trying to put them back in but not being able to find them. I'm sure their is some Freudian meaning behind my phobia, like perhaps my parents never praised my oral cavity enough or some other Freudian type thing but I think it's just that I don't like to watch little kids yank their teeth out.

So, with regard to Natalie's exciting teething event I am left happy, fearful, and a bit soggy...

Burning Bush

Natalie reacts to the president's latest moronic move

While Natalie's official political endorsement is still forthcoming, she's thrilled that no matter who eventually gets elected, we'll soon have a president who might be able to match wits with a chimp.

She decided she'd fill in for me this week (I'm busy recovering from a weekend in VT with her Fruncles) and produce a top ten list. It took her a really long time to complete this list but here it is:

Top Ten Things Natalie Likes Less than George Bush

10. Dropping babies: I know I've mentioned this before but this ritual is scarier than Daddy's morning breath!

9. Orange Elmo: Come on Orange Elmo, get your own identity!

8. The New York Yankees: George Bush may be evil but he is not an evil empire.

7. Green Vegetables: No matter how much daddy says they are good for me, I'm with Bush Sr. on this one.

6. Eczema: It's a lot like George W. in that it can't go away soon enough.

5. Low-fat Ice-Cream: I haven't gotten to try ice-cream yet but when I do it better be the real stuff.

4: Leaky Diapers: Your only job is to not leak. You are incompetent!

3. People who only sporadically post new blogs: Like this guy...

2. The Word Awesome: Bush totally ruined this word for me. I have now resorted to using wicked, dope, or phenomenal.

1. Airplane Sex: Come on! Get a hanger already...

1a. Naps: They are dumb. I refuse to take them any longer. Daddy don't even try to lull me to sleep with your rocking and shushing and quiet music...on second thought, I could go for a nap right about now...

The Eczema Strikes Back

Natalie learns for the first time that, "I am her father"

Babies are hard.

But you knew that. You don't read this blog for obvious statements of fact, you read this blog for the insight, the unique perspective, and the poop jokes.

So let me be more precise. Babies are like a puzzle and just when you get one piece into place, another pops loose. Babies are like an old car that needs constant tuning. Babies are like onions, all the layers stink at one time or another...

Don't like metaphors? Fine.

Babies are hard.

Back to my point...recently we've been battling some stinkyness on Natalie's outer-layer, or as I like to affectionately call it, her "epidermy". She has been struck repeatedly with bouts of Eczema. It's not terribly surprising since eczema is common in babies and since her mother also has sensitive skin and since it's been well-established that I'm a girly-man and have sensitive everything...(I'm not sure that came out right)


The doctor first prescribed steroid cream (I'm already filing a notice with baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, to make sure she will still be eligible for play in 2028 as the first female Red Sox pitcher) and when that failed to get rid of the nasty skin scourge, some anti-bacterial cream.

This multi-faceted approach initially subdued the rash but every time we though we had it beat, it popped up again like an annoying little mole, or an annoying little democratic candidate.

So we keep battling the rash and trying to keep her skin clean and moisturized and all the time Natalie seems completely undisturbed by her ailment. Not once has she scratched it or become visibly upset by a problem that Sara and I have spent hours and several doctor appointments trying to solve.

Natalie seems much more concerned about the things we can do nothing about. The hiccups that happen below the surface; she cries when she's hungry, she cries when she has to poop, she cries for countless reasons we may never understand.

I've come to the realization that this battle over external and internal problems is one that Sara and I better get used to. Some of her current inner-issues will be easier to recognize once she starts communicating more clearly and there will be a period of her life when mommy and daddy will be able to fix all her little scrapes both above and below the surface.

And then she'll hit adolescence.

Once again burying some pains deep under her "epidermy" and no matter how much we'll want to cure what ales her, we'll only be able to provide support. Mending where we can, understanding and staying quiet when we must.

And I wonder how did I get here? How did a blog that I fully intended to be a humorous rant with a couple star-wars references thrown in, (Here's a picture of Darth Vader to make me feel better) turn into a serious reflection on Natalie's future?

I suppose this is what happens to a parents mind. You live day to day with a weary eye always on tomorrow, hoping desperately none of the mistakes you make along the way scar either the surface or the tiny ticking magic going on below it.

And somewhere whoever created this great and perfect mess of existence says, "Learn now what you must know tomorrow."

And I look at this perfect little creature we've created, forever unblemished in my eyes and say,
"May the force be with her."

Diaper Deficiency

"Do you sometimes feel a little wet and uncomfortable?...I do."

Why do diapers hate me? The last two nights Natalie's diapers have leaked, resulting in a wet and very unhappy baby at 3 or 4 in the morning and, coincidentally, a dry but very unhappy daddy shortly thereafter.

The biggest issue is that by the time I change her clothes and get a new, equally evil, diaper on, she's so grumpy that it takes thirty minutes just to get her to calm down, let alone go back to sleep.

So Sara and I are considering some of the cloth hybrids that have recently hit the market. If the diapers are going to leak and be a pain, at least we might be less intrusive on mother nature. stay tuned for exciting cloth diaper updates in the coming weeks...(yeah, I just wrote that sentence)

In non-diaper related news, Natalie learned another new trick, this time all on her own. She discovered that her tiny little finger fits in her tiny little nose. It was quite exciting for about a half hour yesterday but she seems to have forgotten her new ability, which is just as well since we have company this weekend and she needs to be reciting the alphabet and playing the piano and doing other super-smart baby things...not showing our friends her boogers.

In more developmental news, after days of experimenting Natalie managed to pull herself up to standing without aide. She used the nearby laundry basket and wobbled on up. Sara managed to catch her before her triumph resulted in a topple and tears. This is further evidence that Natalie is well on her way to being the toughest and awesomest baby ever. As if she wasn't already there.

In related news, I am preparing for her eventual mobility by running laps around the house.

In Political news, Natalie was originally pretty excited for Hillary's gas relief proposal but upon learning that it was a pandering pile of garbage and not a way to end uncomfortable gas, she changed her mind.

In sports news, Natalie doesn't like the Atlanta Hawks. They are mean and scary looking. Except for Josh Childress who, according to Natalie, has the best 'fro in the NBA.

Finally, in completely non-related to anything news, Natalie is glad she doesn't live in Brazil...