"The Cavalry"As a father, one of the first things you must learn is that no matter how involved you are in your child's life, you will always be second in command for all procedures related to 'operation baby.'
The mother of your child could live on the moon 360 days a year and you would still answer to her regarding the baby.
If you've been married for more than 3 days, you should be well prepared for this chain of command.
Here are some of the things you might (read: will) do that your wife will consider insubordinate and result in punishment. (How do all women know the secrets of disciplining their men? Is there some hidden location where they all learn these methods?)
Possible Insubordinate offences:
1. Referencing the fact that your child farted: Your child does not fart. She might "toot" or do some other innocuous sounding thing, but she does not fart. Even if she "toots" so loud the house shakes, it is best to keep your mouth shut.
2. Giving your child un-flattering nicknames: Cutey-pi-too-ti or Angel are perfectly acceptable. Ms. Mc-poops-a-lot and Stink-worm are not.
3. Insubordination topic number three has been blacked out by the superior officer.
4. Discussing the odors your child produces: Anything that comes out of your baby smells like flowers and spring.
5. Pretending to drop or let your child fall in order to produce laughs: It may produce laughs for the baby but if your commanding officer catches you, the only thing it will produce for you is welts.
6. Letting the dog lick your child: You and the baby may find it amusing but chances are mommy will not.
7. Letting your child lick the dog: See above.
8. Suggesting in any way that another child may be cuter: The truth never matters here. Never. Your baby could be placed next to the Gerber baby and would still be ten times cuter. Your baby could look like a tiny Orc and still be cuter than any other baby...Natalie does not look like an orc...a hobbit maybe...
9. Suggesting in any way that anything your child does is not cute: Everything your baby does is perfect and brilliant and cute. Your child can throw poop at you and it is cute. Accept it.
10. Placing the child in unapproved outfits: It is not humorous or fun to place the baby in flannel pants and a polka-dot shirt. Babies, especially baby girls, must be in matching outfits.
11. Questioning the superior officer: You are allowed to make suggestions. You are allowed to help. But what the superior officer says may as well spring from God's mouth...and if you don't believe in God it might be a good time to start...
p.s.- This blog itself represents an act of insubordination
p.p.s.- I will be punished.
The mother of your child could live on the moon 360 days a year and you would still answer to her regarding the baby.
If you've been married for more than 3 days, you should be well prepared for this chain of command.
Here are some of the things you might (read: will) do that your wife will consider insubordinate and result in punishment. (How do all women know the secrets of disciplining their men? Is there some hidden location where they all learn these methods?)
Possible Insubordinate offences:
1. Referencing the fact that your child farted: Your child does not fart. She might "toot" or do some other innocuous sounding thing, but she does not fart. Even if she "toots" so loud the house shakes, it is best to keep your mouth shut.
2. Giving your child un-flattering nicknames: Cutey-pi-too-ti or Angel are perfectly acceptable. Ms. Mc-poops-a-lot and Stink-worm are not.
3. Insubordination topic number three has been blacked out by the superior officer.
4. Discussing the odors your child produces: Anything that comes out of your baby smells like flowers and spring.
5. Pretending to drop or let your child fall in order to produce laughs: It may produce laughs for the baby but if your commanding officer catches you, the only thing it will produce for you is welts.
6. Letting the dog lick your child: You and the baby may find it amusing but chances are mommy will not.
7. Letting your child lick the dog: See above.
8. Suggesting in any way that another child may be cuter: The truth never matters here. Never. Your baby could be placed next to the Gerber baby and would still be ten times cuter. Your baby could look like a tiny Orc and still be cuter than any other baby...Natalie does not look like an orc...a hobbit maybe...
9. Suggesting in any way that anything your child does is not cute: Everything your baby does is perfect and brilliant and cute. Your child can throw poop at you and it is cute. Accept it.
10. Placing the child in unapproved outfits: It is not humorous or fun to place the baby in flannel pants and a polka-dot shirt. Babies, especially baby girls, must be in matching outfits.
11. Questioning the superior officer: You are allowed to make suggestions. You are allowed to help. But what the superior officer says may as well spring from God's mouth...and if you don't believe in God it might be a good time to start...
p.s.- This blog itself represents an act of insubordination
p.p.s.- I will be punished.
6 comments:
Josh -
I enjoyed the blog ("Insubordination"). I feel your pain. Don't worry - you'll get used to it. As my grandfather used to say, "A man can get used to anything - even hanging, if he hangs long enough."
Lee
Hey, Josh--I got a big kick out of this list of potential infractions. Very funny! (Hope you remember me from years ago--I'm your "uncle-cousin" John on your Dad's side.)
Remembering back when my now 27-year-old son was an infant, I might round out your list with one additional no-no (from the better half's perspective):
12. Giving the baby an occasional tiny sip of your beer because you read somewhere that it is an excellent natural source of yeast and B vites will bring the type of chill that makes even a well-iced microbrew taste like the backwash of a summer's day.
Well, you would have said it better...but you get the idea.
Keep up the great work!
John
For the record, I agree with everything you wrote and believe that all is as it should be.
Now, go put Natalie in a matching outfit or there'll be trouble...
Lee and John, thanks for the support...Sara, thanks for the reminder...
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Transplante de Cabelo, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://transplante-de-cabelo.blogspot.com. A hug.
You are a funny, funny man, and I miss you. Glad to see your writing again. And your baby is gorgeous.
Jim C-D
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