Man Maintenence

This guy doesn't need any help...

(Editor's Note: Um...I shaved this off a day later. I just wanted to see what I would look like with a mustache...turns out I looked like a cross between a 70's porn star and Charlotte Bobcat Forward Adam Morrison (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Morrison)
In other words, too awesome to unleash upon the world.)


WARNING! WARNING! The following blog contains politically incorrect jokes. If you are sensitive to gender-role stereotypes and are wound so tightly you can't laugh at a guy poking fun at himself and "traditional values" then close this blog immediately before I make my first lame joke...no seriously...here it comes...I warned you...fine. Read the stupid thing then.

My friend and former colleague Todd G., an English teacher and canoe-racing enthusiast (seriously, if you want to know about racing canoes ask Todd) e-mailed recently after a particularly effeminate weekend of laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking.

Todd was distressed and worried that he might have misplaced his Y Chromosome somewhere in the produce aisle. Naturally, Todd turned to me, knowing I do a "women's work" on a regular basis but also aware that despite my daily activities I ooze more manliness than a 1980's Tom Selleck. (http://www.imdb.com/gallery/mptv/1319/Mptv/1319/5412_0030.jpg.html?path=gallery&path_key=0080240)

He wondered if I had any tips on getting back his "Man-fire"... apparently his beautiful wife was trying on his pants and he really didn't like it.

Well Todd, you're in luck. You came to the right man. I've spent a lifetime maintaining a strong sense of masculinity while tackling more grass stains than quarterbacks...

So here are some fail safe tips to help men concerned with the flaccidity of their testosterone:

1. Watch sports: Preferably a high-contact sport like football. Make sure to invite other men so you can high-five when your team scores. Ignore the fact that you are watching other men perform in tight uniforms.

2. Eat Meat: All meat should be cooked on a grill and be so rare that you risk ingesting some sort of parasite. This will lead to your woman asking, in a particularly condescending tone, "Should you eat that?" Your response should be a grunt and a mouthful of meat. It would also be good if you killed said meat yourself.

3. Make Something: One of the most primordial male drives. It doesn't matter if you are completely incapable of producing a functional item. Just pound some nails into wood and call it your "Manly-Wood-thingy" On second thought, don't call it that...

4a. Scratch yourself: Go ahead, remind everyone that you have something to scratch.

4b. Spit: It doesn't matter where or how. Just spit on the ground. It wouldn't hurt if you scratched yourself at the same time...it shows a coordinated man presence.

5. Win something: Don't be afraid to make it easy. Challenge a third grader to an arm wrestling contest, a woman to a driving contest (...oh I'm gonna pay for that one), or me to a spelling contest.

6. Drink Cheep beer: This beer should be so cheap that people regularly remark how bad it is. This will allow you the opportunity to say, "It's fer getting drunk, ya nancy-boy" at which point you will have proven your manliness and can stop drinking the crap.

7. Get a woman pregnant: This is a leave-no-doubt option for those of you who lost to the third grader.

8. Think of me: Honestly. Right now I have a baby on my shoulder, a load in the laundry, and am trying to figure out what I should make for dinner...

I probably should make a nice rare steak.