Would you let this man hold your baby?
My two best friends are coming to town this weekend. I couldn't be more excited for them to meet my daughter and have them share in the joy of her smiles, her cooing, and her crying at 4:30 AM...
But as their visit approaches, I realize I desperately need to create a set of rules for "Fruncles" (Friend-Uncles). These laws are especially important for those Fruncles who have yet to experience the joy of children.
What follows is my attempt at a universal set of rules that new dads everywhere can pass out to their "un-babied" friends. * Yes, I am giving babied a new meaning. "Babied"; Used to describe a male who has recently undergone an inevitable and drastic shift in his entire world due to the birth of his first child. I've totally been "babied"*
So, without further ado, I present my first attempt at the "Fruncle Rules" (though I'm quite sure I'll have a few more rules after this weekend when my friends remind me what un-babied 20-something men are like...)
Rule #1: Pigskin problems
There is a method of carrying a baby called the "football hold". This does not mean you should do the Heisman pose while toting the baby or pretend she is a football in any way. You will be banned from ever holding her again. (Rule can sometimes be ignored if mother is out of the room and football is on the TV)
Rule #2: Failure to Flatulate
Babies fart.
A lot.
However, it should be noted that mothers generally don't find these gaseous eruptions hysterically funny (surprisingly). A chuckle and wink to your buddies is sufficient. If you make a huge deal out of the tiny baby's booming buttocks, your friend will get the "I've always hated these fools" look from his wife, and your next invitation may not come for awhile.
Rule #3: No. You are not allowed to watch.
Breastfeeding is not a "free show".
Rule #4: Shut up. Seriously.
You are positively not allowed to brag or complain about the part of your life that you and your friends used to talk about for hours on end. He doesn't want to hear it.
Rule #5: Helping hands.
When women visit they like to carry the baby, remark on how cute she is, and speak in silly baby voices.
You should not feel obligated to carry the baby, especially if you will not be able to obey Rule #1 or are afraid you might break, drop, or permanently scar the child.
However, remarking on how cute the baby is will win you points with the baby's mom.
Entertaining the baby with silly voices will win you points with your current significant other, if she is around, possibly leading to the aforementioned unmentionable events from rule #4...
Rule #6: Change is gonna come...
Your friend will be different. I am not sure exactly how, it could just be a shaggy beard, an extra fifteen pounds, and gigantic bags under his eyes or it could be a complete shift in priorities. But he will be different. You have to love him anyway. But, as always, you don't need to express that love in anything more than a hand-shake man-hug combo.
Rule #7: All-nighters are all-gone
Your friend is not going to stay up past midnight with you. In fact, he may be in bed before ten. But you won't have to wake up at 2:30 and 5:30. Don't make him feel guilty. He wants to stay up but doing so might disturb the delicate balance of sleep he manages to get by going to bed at ten...(all four hours of it)
Rule #8: Plan Ahead and plan on being disappointed.
If you want to do anything with your friend, a quick trip to the movies or a weekend long visit, you better do some advance planning. Life is more complicated with a baby. It was one thing for your friend to spring a visit on his wife when it was just the two of them. If he did it now, you would be dooming him to at least ten back-rubs, four fancy dinners, and five manicures before she forgave him. Just call like two months in advance and don't be surprised if he says he's already busy.
Rule #9: Baby comes first.
No matter what. You'll understand when you have one.
That's all for now. I'm gearing up for the Fruncle arrival in t-minus 4 hours. I've swathed the baby in bubble wrap, rubbed my wife's feet, and warmed up the x-box. I'm sure these Fruncle Rules were completely unnecessary but Rule #10 is that Dad's are overprotective of their baby girls.
Natalie put on a big smile and get ready to learn that Fruncle's Rule.
But as their visit approaches, I realize I desperately need to create a set of rules for "Fruncles" (Friend-Uncles). These laws are especially important for those Fruncles who have yet to experience the joy of children.
What follows is my attempt at a universal set of rules that new dads everywhere can pass out to their "un-babied" friends. * Yes, I am giving babied a new meaning. "Babied"; Used to describe a male who has recently undergone an inevitable and drastic shift in his entire world due to the birth of his first child. I've totally been "babied"*
So, without further ado, I present my first attempt at the "Fruncle Rules" (though I'm quite sure I'll have a few more rules after this weekend when my friends remind me what un-babied 20-something men are like...)
Rule #1: Pigskin problems
There is a method of carrying a baby called the "football hold". This does not mean you should do the Heisman pose while toting the baby or pretend she is a football in any way. You will be banned from ever holding her again. (Rule can sometimes be ignored if mother is out of the room and football is on the TV)
Rule #2: Failure to Flatulate
Babies fart.
A lot.
However, it should be noted that mothers generally don't find these gaseous eruptions hysterically funny (surprisingly). A chuckle and wink to your buddies is sufficient. If you make a huge deal out of the tiny baby's booming buttocks, your friend will get the "I've always hated these fools" look from his wife, and your next invitation may not come for awhile.
Rule #3: No. You are not allowed to watch.
Breastfeeding is not a "free show".
Rule #4: Shut up. Seriously.
You are positively not allowed to brag or complain about the part of your life that you and your friends used to talk about for hours on end. He doesn't want to hear it.
Rule #5: Helping hands.
When women visit they like to carry the baby, remark on how cute she is, and speak in silly baby voices.
You should not feel obligated to carry the baby, especially if you will not be able to obey Rule #1 or are afraid you might break, drop, or permanently scar the child.
However, remarking on how cute the baby is will win you points with the baby's mom.
Entertaining the baby with silly voices will win you points with your current significant other, if she is around, possibly leading to the aforementioned unmentionable events from rule #4...
Rule #6: Change is gonna come...
Your friend will be different. I am not sure exactly how, it could just be a shaggy beard, an extra fifteen pounds, and gigantic bags under his eyes or it could be a complete shift in priorities. But he will be different. You have to love him anyway. But, as always, you don't need to express that love in anything more than a hand-shake man-hug combo.
Rule #7: All-nighters are all-gone
Your friend is not going to stay up past midnight with you. In fact, he may be in bed before ten. But you won't have to wake up at 2:30 and 5:30. Don't make him feel guilty. He wants to stay up but doing so might disturb the delicate balance of sleep he manages to get by going to bed at ten...(all four hours of it)
Rule #8: Plan Ahead and plan on being disappointed.
If you want to do anything with your friend, a quick trip to the movies or a weekend long visit, you better do some advance planning. Life is more complicated with a baby. It was one thing for your friend to spring a visit on his wife when it was just the two of them. If he did it now, you would be dooming him to at least ten back-rubs, four fancy dinners, and five manicures before she forgave him. Just call like two months in advance and don't be surprised if he says he's already busy.
Rule #9: Baby comes first.
No matter what. You'll understand when you have one.
That's all for now. I'm gearing up for the Fruncle arrival in t-minus 4 hours. I've swathed the baby in bubble wrap, rubbed my wife's feet, and warmed up the x-box. I'm sure these Fruncle Rules were completely unnecessary but Rule #10 is that Dad's are overprotective of their baby girls.
Natalie put on a big smile and get ready to learn that Fruncle's Rule.
1 comment:
Josh - Excellent. All good rules, especially number ten. You really get it. Good man. Lee
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