Death of the Blog, Blog...

Alas, my blog is dying

Perhaps death isn't the right word. "Extended suspension", "Possible complete destruction", or "This blog is to continued entries as Sarah Palin is to continued political career" might be more fitting.

I'm currently working on a larger piece of fiction, leaving me little time to update the blog. I hope to bring the blog back to life, should I give up on this other writing project, finish it, or miraculously discover a 36 hour day.

Rest assured, Natalie is getting cuter and I am getting older and don't lose hope...if Sarah Palin can return in 2012...so can I...

Blog out.

Burning the 8:30 Oil...

"You Sir, are old!"

One of my best friends turns thirty this month, yet I feel like we're still in high school together (and Sara would say when my friend and I are together we act like it) but there is a larger part of me (and I am not talking about my expanding waistline) that feels really,
really
old.

For example, the Red Sox have once again made the playoffs but there was no way in hell I was staying up to watch the entire first game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who not only will lose the series to my beloved Red Sox, but also have a terribly long and stupid name. The game started at 10pm, which ten years ago would have been an optimal time to have my first Mountain Dew of the evening but which is currently an optimal time to have my first Tylenol PM.

How did this happen? I blame Natalie.

Before Natalie or B.N., which sounds disturbingly like B.M. so I won't use it again, I was still a night owl. I would stay up till midnight doing important things like writing poems, surfing the Internet, and watching South Park re-runs. Now if I'm up at midnight it is to put Natalie back to sleep before crumpling back into bed myself.

There are other signs that my age is catching up with me:

1. I ache for no apparent reason especially when it is cold.

2. I look forward to going to the grocery store.

3. I drink Green Tea.

4. I haven't played a video game in over six months.

5. I turned on the TV weeks ago and had no idea who was pitching for the Red Sox.

6. I think about my cholesterol more than once every year.

7. I have a retirement plan.

8. Cashiers card me at the grocery store but always have a smile that says, "I know you are over 21 but I have to do this anyway you old-fart."

It's disheartening. Luckily every time I start feeling especially old, I get to see the world through Natalie's adorable little eyes, as she discovers some new truth about the world like gravity, running is harder to do than walking, or that the Red Sox are awesome.

I'm going to get us both a couple Mountain Dews and hunker down in front of the TV for game two tonight, unless of course I pass out before it starts...

A long time coming...

Natalie does her best impression of a fish

This blog has unfortunately become a monthly highlight show, breaking down Natalie's many accomplishments and my many blunders with little attention to detail. Before I get to Natalie's new and amazing talents I'll list my excuses.

A. Natalie has been busy testing her "Random Tantrum Reactionary Theory." The Random Tantrum Reactionary Theory or "RT-RT" states that one should throw tantrums at random times for no reason to discover how adults will react. Natalie tested this theory for two weeks around her birthday but has since lowered her testing rate. I'm suspicious, however, that she is simply analyzing her results...

B. She has also been testing the "Night-time Screaming Effects Theory." The Night-time Screaming Effects Theory or "N-SET" states that a baby should test just how many times a mommy and daddy will enter said baby's room at night if that baby screams really loud. "N-Set" also looks at the effects on Mommies and Daddies the next day.

C. We traveled to upstate NY. Keep in mind parts of Upstate NY exist in a time warp where high-speed Internet is non-existent, people think Jimmy Carter is president, and the number of cows are only outnumbered by the number of cow-patties.

Ultimately my best excuse is that I have been running-wild taking care of a little girl who is extremely busy at life. Changing and evolving every day. Here are some of her more notable recent achievements:

1. Walk around the Clock: For a long time when people asked if Natalie was walking yet, we'd respond with a vague answer like "She takes steps" or "Kind of" or "Look, she is a super-baby genius and just because she isn't walking yet doesn't mean she isn't a super-baby genius, so back off buster!" But now Natalie is officially a walking baby, toddling around the house at drunken speeds.

2. Word Explosion: Natalie has learned a ton of new words, most of which she doesn't pronounce quite right. She says "Mama", "Dada", "Hat", "Eye", "Guck"(Duck), "Bup" (Cup), "Cah" (Car...which she pahks in havahd yahd), "Ha" (Hi), "Raap" (Rope), "hum" (home), and several more.

3. Non-word Explosion: Natalie has not only learned official "dictionary words" but some unofficial words as well. As a poet, I fully support unofficial words. She has learned that dogs say, "woof, woof" and when she hears a dog in the distance, she barks along. She knows that monkeys say "Ah-Ah-Ah.", kitties say "houuum" (her odd version of meow), and she knows that Sarah Palin says nothing nice, so shouldn't say anything at all.

4. A Dad's proudest moment yet: In Natalie's first year of life, I've enjoyed many memorable events, from her first babble, to her first word, to her first step. But without a doubt my most hubris inspiring moment to date is teaching Natalie to say "Bawp" every time someone burps. It is undeniably adorable and, as a bonus, undeniably gets under Sara's skin.

5. Command Center: If it wasn't already clear who is in charge around here, Natalie can now follow my simple commands like "Bring me the book" or "Bring me a beer." She joins the dog in her strict obedience, now I just need to work on her mother...

6. Huggie!: In her cutest development to date, Natalie offers hugs on demand and also out of the blue. Nothing brightens an otherwise dull day like a hug from an adorable super-baby-genius.

7. Goo-Goo for Gaa-Gaa: Up until recently Natalie had not become attached to any one toy. She had favorites, but would often grow weary of even her most beloved play-things. That is until "Ga-Ga" came along. "Ga-Ga" was a gift from her aunt Allison, a squishy baby-doll with bright blue-eyes, who Natalie instantly dubbed "Ga-Ga." Now we just mention Ga-Ga's name and Natalie lights-up with excitement. She is very fond of giving Ga-Ga hugs teeters around the house with Ga-Ga in tow.

8. Eye of the Tiger: As mentioned above, Natalie has learned to say the word "Eye" and lately it's her very favorite word to say. This would be fine except for the fact that she likes to forcefully point out the words she says, regularly jabbing a pudgy little finger in the direction of our optical nerves. Sara and I have recently invested in some protective eye-wear.

There's so much more but Natalie is apparently testing "SBNOIWTAHT" or "Stop blogging now or I will throw a hissy-fit theory"

I better get my goggles...

Natalie version 11.0

How is she already 11 months old?!

Natalie is less than a month away from her first birthday (gulp!). This time last year we were scrambling to get her nursery ready, trying to keep Sara cool, and trying to keep me from passing out.

Now, we're blessed with a little girl who keeps getting better right before our eyes. It's like watching the stock market...only the opposite.

Once again my ability to keep up with a super-baby-genius's development has been hampered by the super-baby-genius herself. No doubt some part of her elaborate plan to take over the world and turn it into one giant Cheerio....

Anyway, some recent developments...

Step by Step: Months ago, before she started crawling, I believed Natalie would walk first. She wore us out with constant demands to be walked around the house and temper-tantrums when she wasn't walking. When she figured out how to crawl, however, walking took a back seat as she explored her world from the ground level. But walking would not wait forever.

Last Thursday Natalie took her first extremely wobbly steps. Her gate reminded me of any given fraternity brother's on Saturday nights at Hamilton, giving further credence to my theory that Natalie is a Fraternity Brother...

I reacted slightly differently than I did in college, rather than turn my head in disgust, I picked Natalie up and bear hugged her, adding plenty of zerberts...I don't think the Fraternity brother would have giggled...though I may be wrong.

HA! Is it me you're looking for?: Natalie's tiny little vocal cords are unfortunately lagging behind her tiny little super-awesome-baby-genius-of-glory brain. In trying to teach her how to wave she not only learned to wag her little hand, she also learned to say Hi...except she can't yet pronounce the "I" sound, so it comes out Ha! A few people were offended the other day when we passed them in the grocery store and Natalie frantically waved them down exclaiming "Ha! Ha!...HAAAA!"

Signs, Signs, everywhere there's Signs: Natalie is also working on her sign-language skills. She is now able to make the sign for "light." I also suspect some of her other seemingly innocuous hand movements may actually be a secret code for the dog in an effort to form an alliance and overthrow the keepers of the food.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time: She may not be referring to a dancing and singing banana but she does now say "Nana." Unfortunately she doesn't eat her "Nana" as enthusiastically as she says the word.

Speed Demon: When Natalie first began to crawl she moved at the speed the word suggests but recently she has improved her forty-time (forty inches that is) dramatically. She also has begun to enjoy chasing Daddy around the house, which has given daddy the opportunity to improve his own shoddy conditioning.

Share...Share...Share...: Most children have a hard time learning how to share. Greedily hoarding stuff is of course one of Man's many flaws. However, since Natalie has no flaws she has already begun to share. She takes great joy in giving mommy and daddy her toys, her half-eaten watermelon, or the piece of fuzz she finds on the floor. Skeptics might suggest that this phase will soon end and she'll start hoarding as much stuff as possible, which will result in my discovery of a massive half-eaten-watermelon-and-fuzz ball under her bed.

Funny-Bone: There is no other way to put it...Natalie is a goof-ball. She revels in silly games including but not limited to, "What does stuff look like upside down", "What can we find in Daddy's belly-button", "Zerbert War", "Shaky-haired Mommy", "Hey look there's something over there" and "Copy-cat". She finds all of these games uproariously funny and enjoys making Mommy and Daddy laugh. She may have a future in stand-up...or the white house.

Read to me...now!: While Natalie is ahead of the curve on sharing, her patience with my inability to instantly meet all her needs and wants is lacking. The best example of this impatience is perhaps her constant and unwavering desire to read books. She will pull a book from her toy box or point to one on the shelf and at first she will politely point to daddy and then back to the book. If, however, daddy doesn't do as he's told or if he isn't paying attention, she will move on to phase two...tossing the book directly at daddy's face.

Usually this gets daddy's attention.

I'm comforted by the fact that she is demanding to be read to instead of demanding more TV. I'm also adept at dealing with being punished for not meeting demand protocol, having been married now for six years...

Independence Declaration

Natalie celebrates her independence with a fistful of Cheerios

Last week the nation celebrated its independence with copious amounts of fireworks, beer, and tiny little flags. Natalie, though scared of the fireworks and not yet allowed to drink the beer, fully appreciated why so many people were partying. She herself is beginning to understand the joy of self-reliance.

She may be 16 years away from driving, 18 years away from college, and 30 years away from her first date but she has already started to let mommy and daddy know that their assistance and constant attention is not always needed or desired.

Her independent streak is both a relief and a burden. She may no longer need mommy and daddy to rescue her if she accidentally rolls onto her tummy or a toy slips away but she also wanders willingly and purposefully, usually directly into mischief.

Here are some of the ways Natalie is establishing her independence:

Mobile Unit:

If ever there was an event that defines the phrase "A blessing and a curse" it is when a baby becomes mobile. Initially parents breath a sigh of relief...their child can do more than flop around on the floor and scream when she can't get to her desired destination. It's magical to watch a child discover her world, strike out on new adventures, and delve into the mysteries of everything from what lies beneath the couch to what lies inside the trash.

And there's the rub.

For every new ability their is a price. When Natalie could do no more than roll and squirm, I could put her down and grab a cup of coffee knowing the worst possible outcome was a grumpy baby. Now, by the time I make my coffee the cat could have lost half his hair, the plant could be upended, and Natalie could be experimenting with knife juggling.

Despite the need for more vigilance and fewer knives, the blessings of mobility far outweigh the curses. Every time Natalie purposefully crawls over for a snuggle or a zerbert I forget that I may not be allowed to pee for another six hours.

Stop Feeding me Seymour!:

Natalie has been eating finger foods for months but only recently did she decide to feed herself. She's never had a problem stuffing her face full of dog hair, grass, or the stray toe-nail but when she sat down to eat actual food she displayed no interest in picking up all the various goodies we put in front of her, most of which had more nutritional value than toe-nails. Perhaps it was a bit of the princess in her wanting to be hand-fed or perhaps she just wasn't getting the connection but two weeks ago something clicked and now she shovels food in with glee and vigor. Unfortunately, this has also renewed her interest in every tiny morsel, edible or not, that she finds on the ground.

Play Time:

Much of my day is spent entertaining Natalie. I sing silly songs, I read silly books, I dance around in wholly non-silly ways and we generally have a good time together. Although she has yet to stop introducing me to her friends or say things like "Dad, please, for the love of god don't embarrass me by dancing in wholly non-silly ways in front of Susan", she has begun to clearly show that Daddy is not always needed.

I can hand her a measuring cup or wooden spoon and she will entertain herself for fifteen minutes by simply banging it around and seeing what it can do. Overall this has been a huge benefit since it allows me to watch her while still accomplishing something, though it is a bit of a blow to my ego.

Perhaps I should work on my wholly non-silly dance moves.

Mischief Maker:

I wouldn't call Natalie defiant but she certainly has no problem wading into mischief. Thankfully the word "no" is starting to have some impact on her actions, even if that impact is only to get her to look at us with a vicious smile. We are in the process of teaching her limits so she no longer heads directly for knife juggling when daddy turns his back but she is either a bit of an imp, simply testing the boundaries and our resolve to keep them, or just not getting it yet.

The most interesting activities are inevitably those which we are trying to discourage and when she is redirected elsewhere it often results in a little mini-fit of arm flapping and screeching before she settles on some new and equally bad thing to accomplish. I think this natural propensity for mischief clearly stems from her mother's side...



Natalie's growth over the past few months has been astonishing. She went from cute little lump to adventurous imp within months. As she continues to assert her independence, we will be there watching, smiling, and hiding the knives.

Say Anything!

Find out who or what won the "Be Natalie's First Word Contest"

Every parent anxiously awaits their child's first word. It's like waiting for a surprise present, never knowing when it will arrive.

For months I'd been hoping Natalie's adorable little babbles would turn into adorable little words. Even at four months I got excited when she babbled "Ma-ma" in the middle of the night. Both because I naively thought she might be an even bigger super-genius-baby than already forecast, and because it was "Ma-ma" she was calling for in the middle of the night. But that, and many other babbles, were really just incoherent baby jargon, or since she is a super-genius, a new language altogether.

Recently, however, she was clearly on the verge of putting it together. Babbling more structured sounds and pointing to things before making her exclamations. For example, she rambled "Dada" several times in succession rather than a long "Dadadadadada." Of course, she was screaming "Dada!" while looking at the cat but the tools were in place.

Then, while we were in Washington D.C., it happened. I can't point to a specific instance, but Sara and I slowly came to the realization that she was linking the specific word with the specific object.

So what was her magical first word?

Let's break down the contenders before we reveal the answer:

Dada:

Why Dada could be her first word: I spend all day with her and make it a point to get happy and jump around when she says "Dada." This happy-jumping, it should be noted, looks totally tough and not at all lame...Plus after 3,204,402 diapers, she owes me.

Why Dada wouldn't be her first word: She likes to babble the sound a lot and uses it to describe various things like the dog, diapers, and the milkman...

Mama:

Why Mama could be her first word: Every day when Sara gets home we get excited and say "Mama's home!" Plus after putting up with daddy complaining about 3,204,402 diaper changes, Sara deserved it.

Why Mama wouldn't be her first word: Linguists claim "Dada" is the easier sound to make and most babies, to the dismay of moms everywhere, say Dada first. Plus dads are just so much cooler...

Doggie or Kitty:

Why Doggie or Kitty could be her first word: She loves Doggie and Kitty. She laughs at them, pulls their hair, and climbs all over them.

Why Doggie or Kitty wouldn't be her first word: While she makes the sounds necessary for Doggie, she really doesn't make the G sound as much as she used to and she hasn't developed the capacity for "Ki" or "Tee" yet, though she does sometimes screech eee-eee, which is pretty close.

Red Sox:

Why Red Sox could be her first word: From the time she was a tiny-peanut, incapable of vocalizing anything but wails and cries, (which she did manage to vocalize often) she's heard Red Sox games on TV.

Why Red Sox wouldn't be her first word: Like most Red Sox fans she may want to perfect her "Yankees Suck" chant first.


So, what was her first word? To the delight of her mother, and despite a bit of an ego blow, her father, "Mama"

She now readily points to Sara and yells "Mama!" She has also learned that the door opening every afternoon signals "Mama's" return, turning to me recently with a look of glee when it happened and squealing, "Mamaaaaa!"

Quickly after mastering her first word Natalie, like an baby super-genius, conquered her second.

"Hat."

Yes..."Hat"

Why "hat" you ask? Natalie has been obsessed with my grungy old Red Sox hat since she was able to hold it. She says the word when she sees any baseball cap, though she doesn't yet understand other styles of caps are "hats." She did point to the TV screen recently, look at Randy Johnson who was pitching, and yell "hat." She then followed with, "And my isn't he an attractive young gentlemen."

She is getting close to saying Dada consistently but still can't get the phonetic distinction between "Dada" and "Doggie."

I'm not too worried, I'm just happy she is saying something and lighting up our eyes and hearts every time she does. I may have to wait a few months for "Dada" and a few more for "Yankees Suck" but I'm quite content to listen to her melodious experimentation until then.

Natalie Version 10.0

Natalie laughs at my attempts to chronicle her development.

Natalie continues to grow and change on a daily basis and my weekly blog entries aren't nearly enough to keep up with her development. So once again I offer a concise top ten list of Natalie's most recent improvements.

Top Ten Natalie Developments

10. Big Chomper meet Little Chompette: Natalie's second tooth has arrived and is currently half the size of Big Chomper (the name of her first tooth). It's rather adorable when she smiles and reveals two oddly sized teeth.

9. Two words...Fan, Doggy: We are teaching Natalie baby sign language. My mother bought a whole big kit of baby sign stuff, which I believe is called "If you're grand-baby can't sign, she's a dope." I thought it was a clever marketing tool.

Anyway, Natalie has learned two signs. "Doggy", which is not surprising because she is obsessed with the dog. And Fan, a sign we had to make up since most babies are apparently not obsessed with ceiling fans...

8. By her bootstraps: Natalie is now able to pull herself to a stand using virtually anything. This includes Daddy, the couch, and a very reluctant doggy.

7. Deep Sleep: Gone are the nights of three or four wake-ups. Natalie generally sleeps through the night with only the occasional cry, which is usually calmed with a few minutes of holding or shushing. Daddy has sold his stock in Maxwell House.

6. Walk...me...NOW!!: Natalie takes great joy in walking around the house, while holding on to our hands. This would be tolerable, except she is so short that we have to hunch over to hold her hands. Sara and I are beginning to resemble Quasimodo, since Natalie wants to be walked all the time. She is quite demanding. I would never imply that, in this respect, she is like her mother. That would be dumb.

5. Book it: Natalie loves books. I'm thrilled and sure she will soon be a literary genius...this development has also allowed me to memorize several children's books. If you are ever in a bind and can't remember the words to "Quick as a Cricket"... give me a call.

4. Return of the Jedi...cream: As detailed in a recent blog, Natalie has been battling Eczema for much of her little baby life. We recently took her to the doctor and he prescribed a cream that contained much more force. Natalie's Eczema is getting better.

3. Capitol Crowd: We recently took a trip to Washington for a usability conference at which Sara was presenting. I also presented at the nearby Tag-a-long Dad conference...

While in DC, Natalie charmed Sara's family in the area and several college friends. Her influence on the world is spreading. She also sat down with Barack Obama and John McCain to discuss her forthcoming endorsement.

2. Ready, set, catch: Giving more credibility to my plan that she will be the first female Red Sox player, I have taught Natalie how to catch a ball. Well, maybe she simply holds her arms out and the ball sometimes settles neatly into her pudgy little hands...but it's close enough for me!

1. Light-Crawler: Natalie is officially mobile. She began crawling about a week or two ago and is slowly perfecting the art. It's fantastic and utterly terrifying to watch her grow. Her mobility adds an extra challenge to daddy's day as he is now on constant "oh my god, what if she did (insert horrible thing here) when your back was turned." watch.

As I've written this blog several new developments have emerged...Stay tuned for a major Blog announcement soon...

Point/Counterpoint...Point...Point...Point...

Natalie sits contentedly after a long day of finger-pointing

Here's a transcript from a recent interaction between Natalie and I:

Natalie sits on the living room floor. She looks out the window, points indiscriminately, and exclaims, "Ga!"

"Yes, that's a tree Natalie." I respond like the dutiful and magnificent father I am.

Shifting her focus, Natalie points to a painting on the wall. "Ga!"

"That, my love, is a painting."

Another shift, "Ga!"

"That is a plant. It's like a tree but smaller."

"Ga!"

"Once again, sweet-pea, that's a tree."

"Ga!"

"Yes, you've found the painting again."

"GAAAAAA!"

"That is a different painting. How very exciting..."

"Ga!"

"A plant."

"Ga! Ga! GAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

"OK. Yes. A bloody freaking tree again. Isn't it lovely in all its tree-ness."

This continues for another fifteen minutes, at which point I put the dog in charge.

Natalie has obviously discovered the joy of pointing. She wakes up from a nap and immediately points to one of her wall hangings. She gets her diaper changed and points, wildly flailing her arms as I try to describe what her little finger has found, while not getting poop on my own fingers.

What's interesting and simultaneously coma-inducing is that she really enjoys pointing out the same things over and over again. Some of her favorites are trees, paintings, ceiling fans, books, the dog, and the fact that Hillary Clinton lost.

I have no idea why these particular items have captured her attention but I do know that both Sara and I are running out of things to say about trees. I'm seriously considering hiring an Arborist for a day.

I've also tried strategically placing certain items nearby in the hopes that she would point to them and I could give diatribes about more interesting things like the Red Sox, The Lord of the Rings, or the rise of performance poetry...all of which I'm sure she would find extremely entertaining...

There will come a time when we teach Natalie that pointing isn't polite but right now pointing is one of the main tools she uses to learn about her world. Tiny little finger reaching out, asking what we know of the world, integrating this knowledge into her expanding universe...

I just hope her interest expands beyond trees sometime soon...

Lions and Tigers and Moms...Oh My!

Natalie gets ready for her big adventure!

Last week I took Natalie to the zoo. She has been fascinated by four legged creatures ever since she was old enough to observe them, laughing hysterically when she first noticed our pets Fenway and Bruce and screaming with glee when she first met our horse, TJ. The zoo felt like a natural first big outing together.

She loved it! For several hours last Friday the zoo gained a new animal, "The Screeching Baby." Natalie squealed and squawked while gesticulating madly in her front-carrier and in my arms. She was most enamored with the prairie dogs, the pronghorns, and the water fountain. Each of which she would have been happy to observe for hours on end.

The trip was fantastic. Some, however, are calling for a permanent revocation of my "man-card". You see, I didn't travel to the zoo on my own...I went with a...um...Mom's group.

Before I lose possession of that valuable card, which entitles me to limitless belches, fart jokes, greasy food, and crotch grabs, I'd like to make a few points.

1. I'm used to being surrounded by women.

I'd like to claim that my female surroundings in college were due to my rugged good looks, my way with words, or my musical prowess on what friends called my "weepy-guitar" (Seriously just ask Sara about that romantic classic "Ear-wax Girl" or our friend Sara Hesse about the heart-felt ballad I wrote when she went abroad to Ghana titled, "You've Gone to Ghana...Rhea") but the truth is a little less flattering. I majored in Sociology, which was a subject dominated by women. I was the only man in four years at Hamilton elected to the Volunteer committee's Executive Board. I started to pledge Beta-Data-Mana before I realized it was a sorority...OK I made that one up but you get the point. In college I spent a lot of time around women.

I graduated and worked at a non-profit as one of the few men in the office. I obtained my MFA in creative writing, where women easily outnumbered men. I worked as the only man at a day-care center while getting my degree. I coached girl's basketball and softball and lived in a girl's dorm at St. Mark's school in Massachusetts.

So, while I'd gladly have joined a father's group, where stay-at-home dad's get together, plop their little-ones on a blanket, drink, play video games, and eat pizza...they don't exist. At least in Oxford, CT. And, I suppose, might not be as productive for the kids...

Women still dominate the field of stay-at-home parents and once again I'm in a familiar position. My "colleagues" are everyone else's better-halves.

2. I needed to get out more.

Sara had been politely suggesting for months that I join a stay-at-home parenting group. In deference to my maleness, she never said 'mom's group.' But she finally started sending me links to local groups, with names like "Mothers of Central CT", "Mommy and Me", and "The League of Super-Amazing Moms".

She knew what I knew, that living in the middle of no-where CT, with friends and family spread across the country, I needed to find ways to get out and do stuff. And, perhaps more importantly, Natalie needed to get out and do stuff with other kids. There are only so many times she can stomach me reading Dr. Seuss's ABCs, which by the way I've memorized and plan on performing as a one man show...

I e-mailed one of the groups to find out more. I discovered they were willing to accept someone with only one X chromosome and were taking a trip to the Zoo. I signed up.

Natalie not only had a blast screaming DADADADA at the goat kids, she also loved watching the human kids. It's ultimately healthy and productive for her to see faces other than mommy's and daddy's on a regular basis. I enjoyed having people my own age to talk and relate with even if none of them belched, made a fart joke, or ate pizza...

3. So What?

It's not 1950. I don't come home, have a drink, smoke a cigar, and retire to my office. I'm a father who's spending time at home with his daughter because because Sara and I want someone we trust with our little-girl in her early years. Plus Sara is ten times smarter than me and can make more money.

I don't mind doing "un-manly" things like laundry, cooking, and talking to my daughter in an odd high-pitched voice that makes me sound like Bobby from Bobby's world.

And I don't mind joining a mom's group. In fact I'm glad I did it. Natalie and I had fun at the zoo and I look forward to future outings with the group.

My love of sports, flatulent themed jokes, and greasy food help make me a man.

But in the end I think I earn my "man-card" because I'm not afraid to do whatever it takes to give my daughter the best. Even if it means dish-pan hands, bake-sales, and fewer crotch grabs.

Natalie's worth it.

Hypo-crite

Natalie looks for some Hypo-crites in her bath

Today Natalie heard me utter the word Hypocrite and got pretty excited. As I will detail in my next blog entry, Natalie loves all things that move, make noise, and have four legs so she thought we might be going to see some hippos. Unfortunately I disappointed her when I explained that I was referring to our former president, who, while vastly more competent, intelligent, and successful than our current president really has no business calling anyone
"Sleazy".

Still, it was a good vocabulary lesson...

First Cut

Natalie's threats are no longer toothless

At 29 (I've decided to say things like "At 29" or "As a 29 year old" as many times as possible before I turn thirty) I have no idea what it's like to grow a tooth. I had my Wisdom teeth out several years ago and those weren't so much growing as interfering with the infinite wisdom I already possessed.

I can imagine the process is painful. My ability to imagine how painful is aided by my always adorable but lately rather grumpy daughter, who is busy working her first tiny tooth through. I call this tooth 'big chomper' in an effort to make Natalie feel big and tough and because I have nothing to do all day but make up names for my daughter's teeth.

Teeth are a big deal for babies. Soon Natalie will be able to munch on more than overly steamed carrots, soggy Cheerios, and the dog. Soon she will enter a brave new world of crackers and cheese and she'll be able to make the dog yelp when she bites...not to mention Mommy.

Unfortunately, there are twenty more teeth to go. While the big enamel event has been relatively calm, Natalie has had her moments over the past several days. For example, the moment called Wednesday when she fussed every thirty seconds.

Why can't all these stupid things just spring up in one extremely grumpy day instead of a prolonged mildly grumpy two years at which point she'll finish growing teeth and start using them on children who make her angry? Biology is dumb. I propose that scientists research a way to get all teeth to grow at once. If they can do it with the Chia-pet they can do it with teeth! This is America Dammit!

The other "extra add-on side-effect of wonderfullness" that comes hand in hand with teething is extra drool. So Natalie is grumpy AND leaving puddles of saliva all over the house. If she was a thoughtful daughter Natalie would at least grow teeth with built in gold fronts so we could sell them when they come loose.

Which brings me to my final point. I hate teeth falling out. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does. While I'm not the guy who seeks out the eye-surgery channel on TV, I tend to be able to handle blood and injuries when they happen in real life (perhaps because I've had my share). But I hate watching little kids wiggle teeth from their gums and I hate the parents who sit their and encourage it. "Oh..Oh..come on little Johnny give it a good wiggle. Let me see. Oh yeah. Oh boy. The tooth fairy will be visiting you soon little Johnny. That's it! Twist it on it's last little strand of flesh. What a good boy you are Johnny." At this point I generally punch the offending parent in the face or walk away while throwing up a little in my mouth...

Seriously, I have nightmares about all my teeth falling out and trying to put them back in but not being able to find them. I'm sure their is some Freudian meaning behind my phobia, like perhaps my parents never praised my oral cavity enough or some other Freudian type thing but I think it's just that I don't like to watch little kids yank their teeth out.

So, with regard to Natalie's exciting teething event I am left happy, fearful, and a bit soggy...

Burning Bush

Natalie reacts to the president's latest moronic move

While Natalie's official political endorsement is still forthcoming, she's thrilled that no matter who eventually gets elected, we'll soon have a president who might be able to match wits with a chimp.

She decided she'd fill in for me this week (I'm busy recovering from a weekend in VT with her Fruncles) and produce a top ten list. It took her a really long time to complete this list but here it is:

Top Ten Things Natalie Likes Less than George Bush

10. Dropping babies: I know I've mentioned this before but this ritual is scarier than Daddy's morning breath!

9. Orange Elmo: Come on Orange Elmo, get your own identity!

8. The New York Yankees: George Bush may be evil but he is not an evil empire.

7. Green Vegetables: No matter how much daddy says they are good for me, I'm with Bush Sr. on this one.

6. Eczema: It's a lot like George W. in that it can't go away soon enough.

5. Low-fat Ice-Cream: I haven't gotten to try ice-cream yet but when I do it better be the real stuff.

4: Leaky Diapers: Your only job is to not leak. You are incompetent!

3. People who only sporadically post new blogs: Like this guy...

2. The Word Awesome: Bush totally ruined this word for me. I have now resorted to using wicked, dope, or phenomenal.

1. Airplane Sex: Come on! Get a hanger already...

1a. Naps: They are dumb. I refuse to take them any longer. Daddy don't even try to lull me to sleep with your rocking and shushing and quiet music...on second thought, I could go for a nap right about now...

The Eczema Strikes Back

Natalie learns for the first time that, "I am her father"

Babies are hard.

But you knew that. You don't read this blog for obvious statements of fact, you read this blog for the insight, the unique perspective, and the poop jokes.

So let me be more precise. Babies are like a puzzle and just when you get one piece into place, another pops loose. Babies are like an old car that needs constant tuning. Babies are like onions, all the layers stink at one time or another...

Don't like metaphors? Fine.

Babies are hard.

Back to my point...recently we've been battling some stinkyness on Natalie's outer-layer, or as I like to affectionately call it, her "epidermy". She has been struck repeatedly with bouts of Eczema. It's not terribly surprising since eczema is common in babies and since her mother also has sensitive skin and since it's been well-established that I'm a girly-man and have sensitive everything...(I'm not sure that came out right)


The doctor first prescribed steroid cream (I'm already filing a notice with baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, to make sure she will still be eligible for play in 2028 as the first female Red Sox pitcher) and when that failed to get rid of the nasty skin scourge, some anti-bacterial cream.

This multi-faceted approach initially subdued the rash but every time we though we had it beat, it popped up again like an annoying little mole, or an annoying little democratic candidate.

So we keep battling the rash and trying to keep her skin clean and moisturized and all the time Natalie seems completely undisturbed by her ailment. Not once has she scratched it or become visibly upset by a problem that Sara and I have spent hours and several doctor appointments trying to solve.

Natalie seems much more concerned about the things we can do nothing about. The hiccups that happen below the surface; she cries when she's hungry, she cries when she has to poop, she cries for countless reasons we may never understand.

I've come to the realization that this battle over external and internal problems is one that Sara and I better get used to. Some of her current inner-issues will be easier to recognize once she starts communicating more clearly and there will be a period of her life when mommy and daddy will be able to fix all her little scrapes both above and below the surface.

And then she'll hit adolescence.

Once again burying some pains deep under her "epidermy" and no matter how much we'll want to cure what ales her, we'll only be able to provide support. Mending where we can, understanding and staying quiet when we must.

And I wonder how did I get here? How did a blog that I fully intended to be a humorous rant with a couple star-wars references thrown in, (Here's a picture of Darth Vader to make me feel better) turn into a serious reflection on Natalie's future?

I suppose this is what happens to a parents mind. You live day to day with a weary eye always on tomorrow, hoping desperately none of the mistakes you make along the way scar either the surface or the tiny ticking magic going on below it.

And somewhere whoever created this great and perfect mess of existence says, "Learn now what you must know tomorrow."

And I look at this perfect little creature we've created, forever unblemished in my eyes and say,
"May the force be with her."

Diaper Deficiency

"Do you sometimes feel a little wet and uncomfortable?...I do."

Why do diapers hate me? The last two nights Natalie's diapers have leaked, resulting in a wet and very unhappy baby at 3 or 4 in the morning and, coincidentally, a dry but very unhappy daddy shortly thereafter.

The biggest issue is that by the time I change her clothes and get a new, equally evil, diaper on, she's so grumpy that it takes thirty minutes just to get her to calm down, let alone go back to sleep.

So Sara and I are considering some of the cloth hybrids that have recently hit the market. If the diapers are going to leak and be a pain, at least we might be less intrusive on mother nature. stay tuned for exciting cloth diaper updates in the coming weeks...(yeah, I just wrote that sentence)

In non-diaper related news, Natalie learned another new trick, this time all on her own. She discovered that her tiny little finger fits in her tiny little nose. It was quite exciting for about a half hour yesterday but she seems to have forgotten her new ability, which is just as well since we have company this weekend and she needs to be reciting the alphabet and playing the piano and doing other super-smart baby things...not showing our friends her boogers.

In more developmental news, after days of experimenting Natalie managed to pull herself up to standing without aide. She used the nearby laundry basket and wobbled on up. Sara managed to catch her before her triumph resulted in a topple and tears. This is further evidence that Natalie is well on her way to being the toughest and awesomest baby ever. As if she wasn't already there.

In related news, I am preparing for her eventual mobility by running laps around the house.

In Political news, Natalie was originally pretty excited for Hillary's gas relief proposal but upon learning that it was a pandering pile of garbage and not a way to end uncomfortable gas, she changed her mind.

In sports news, Natalie doesn't like the Atlanta Hawks. They are mean and scary looking. Except for Josh Childress who, according to Natalie, has the best 'fro in the NBA.

Finally, in completely non-related to anything news, Natalie is glad she doesn't live in Brazil...

Important Lessons

Today's Lesson: Throwing back a cold one...

As I mentioned in my most recent blog, Natalie is constantly learning new tricks, many of which result in us having to keep a closer watch over our darling little imp.

Another part of that equation, however, is explicitly trying to teach her important life lessons, even as she continues to spit up on her clothes. Life lessons like, no means no, or the cat doesn't like it when you pull out tufts of his hair, or daddy doesn't like it when you pull out his chest hairs...

My most recent quest was to teach Natalie how to give high-five. Some might scoff and suggest there are many more vital lessons I could be teaching my nine-month old daughter but those people are lame and probably wear sweater-vests.

The high-five is an integral part of American culture. Think about how many times you have given someone a high-five or some variation there-of. It's especially important for anyone involved in athletics and given how strong and squirmy Natalie already is, I am confident she will dominate all other children in every sport she pursues. In fact, I recently took a call from Nike about a sponsorship...they want to put the swoosh on all her diapers...I told them I'd think about it.

Anyway, in a matter of minutes Natalie figured out how to give a high-five and let me tell you it is the cutest high-five ever. A tender little smack followed by a gummy little smile. It's awesome.

Tomorrow we move on to fist-bumping and "giving skin".

It's a new adventure every day.

Clap your hands everybody...

Grandpa teaches Natalie to sing...loudly

People always want to know what exciting new things Natalie is up to. Is she walking? Has she said her first word? Does she know the Quadratic equation?

The answer to all three questions is no. (though I think her math is better than Hillary Clinton's).

This stage of baby-hood is filled with exploration and small accomplishments but few that can be bragged about to co-workers and friends.

I can't fathom, for instance, excitedly telling a friend, "Guess what!!? Natalie totally squirmed more than normal today." or "She finally figured out how to poop without screaming!" or "She babbled agobada for the first time."

These moments seem tiny and insignificant but parents notice even small steps on the way to larger and more recognizable achievements. We revel in them.

Despite the seemingly slow pace of progression, Natalie did learn something new this weekend while her grandparents were visiting. After about thirty minutes of constant clapping and encouragement, her grandmother managed to teach Natalie how to clap. And clap she did.

She clapped when anyone else clapped. She clapped when kitty entered the room. She clapped when she farted. She clapped when the Yankees won....obviously she hasn't figured out the whole context thing that goes along with clapping but it's certainly a start.

This, along with countless other momentous, if minute, new deeds help propel Sara and I out of bed each morning, hoping that perhaps today will be that magical day when she learns to put both her feet in her mouth and we enthusiastically applaud.

Insubordination

"The Cavalry"

As a father, one of the first things you must learn is that no matter how involved you are in your child's life, you will always be second in command for all procedures related to 'operation baby.'

The mother of your child could live on the moon 360 days a year and you would still answer to her regarding the baby.

If you've been married for more than 3 days, you should be well prepared for this chain of command.

Here are some of the things you might (read: will) do that your wife will consider insubordinate and result in punishment. (How do all women know the secrets of disciplining their men? Is there some hidden location where they all learn these methods?)

Possible Insubordinate offences:

1. Referencing the fact that your child farted: Your child does not fart. She might "toot" or do some other innocuous sounding thing, but she does not fart. Even if she "toots" so loud the house shakes, it is best to keep your mouth shut.

2. Giving your child un-flattering nicknames: Cutey-pi-too-ti or Angel are perfectly acceptable. Ms. Mc-poops-a-lot and Stink-worm are not.

3. Insubordination topic number three has been blacked out by the superior officer.

4. Discussing the odors your child produces: Anything that comes out of your baby smells like flowers and spring.

5. Pretending to drop or let your child fall in order to produce laughs: It may produce laughs for the baby but if your commanding officer catches you, the only thing it will produce for you is welts.

6. Letting the dog lick your child: You and the baby may find it amusing but chances are mommy will not.

7. Letting your child lick the dog: See above.

8. Suggesting in any way that another child may be cuter: The truth never matters here. Never. Your baby could be placed next to the Gerber baby and would still be ten times cuter. Your baby could look like a tiny Orc and still be cuter than any other baby...Natalie does not look like an orc...a hobbit maybe...

9. Suggesting in any way that anything your child does is not cute: Everything your baby does is perfect and brilliant and cute. Your child can throw poop at you and it is cute. Accept it.

10. Placing the child in unapproved outfits: It is not humorous or fun to place the baby in flannel pants and a polka-dot shirt. Babies, especially baby girls, must be in matching outfits.

11. Questioning the superior officer: You are allowed to make suggestions. You are allowed to help. But what the superior officer says may as well spring from God's mouth...and if you don't believe in God it might be a good time to start...

p.s.- This blog itself represents an act of insubordination

p.p.s.- I will be punished.

Priority fix

"Daddy's priorities are all screwed up...but I've got mine straight."

Last night something occurred that I never thought would happen.
I went to bed at 10:30.
When the Red Sox were on.
Playing the Yankees.
In a close game.

Sure, in the course of my 29 years of fandom, I might have missed the occasional west coast game against the A's in the middle of the summer, or left a blow-out against the Rangers early, but I never left in the middle of a close Red-Sox Yankee game unless it involved some other sporting event, severe physical distress, or some life altering event.

In 1999, during the ALCS I was in the hospital for one of the Red Sox/Yankee games. I'd just had surgery, I was hopped up on various drugs, and I insisted on staying awake for the whole game, even as the nurses insisted I needed rest and even after I threw-up in my hat.

I'm a die-hard. And yet, last night I didn't even consider staying up to watch the whole game. Dice-K was working at a snails pace, every count went to 3-2, and I decided by the 4th inning that once Natalie nodded off, I'd do the same.

But I was worried.

I knew I wouldn't sleep. Knew I'd be kept awake by thoughts of the game. I'd toss and turn and eventually surrender to the call of rivalry and late-inning drama and fist-pump inducing strikeouts. Instead I surrendered to that demon pragmatism.

Somewhere, in the depths of my mind, a new little angel Josh voice, devoted to his daughter and to not being a zombie the next day, beat up the incumbent little Josh voice, devoted to following the Red Sox through thick and thin. It was an insurgent candidacy my brain didn't see coming.

I was asleep in a matter of minutes and I only woke when Natalie cried at 3:45. I sat up and, to the horror of the bruised and battered incumbent voice, didn't immediately rush to the computer to check the box score. I rubbed my eyes, stared at the clock, told Sara to go back to sleep, and retrieved Natalie from her crib. She quickly drifted back to sleep in my arms and at that calm and serene moment I heard a tiny and frail voice calling out from the recesses of my Cerebellum. I cradled Natalie, grabbed the remote, and turned on ESPN. The Red Sox had triumphed despite my abandonment...

I laid Natalie back in her crib and both voices sighed contentedly.

Cheap Date

One of Natalie's favorite friends, "Captain Remote-face"

Last night, while lying awake in bed, I planned to write an important and serious blog about the fear of parents in a world that pushes fear.  I was inspired after watching various stories on Autism for National Autism Awareness day...then I didn't sleep and Natalie woke up at 2 with a leaky diaper and failed to get back to sleep till 3:30.  My brain is  currently being held together by more Duct Tape than Pedro Martinez's body and that brilliant and article is gone. 

Instead, I'm going to write about Natalie's favorite toys.  Not as important but much easier.

My daughter is a cheap date and I'm proud of it.  They say that kids are often happier playing with the box the toy came in and that seems to be true for Natalie.   She likes her rattles and especially her musical toys but she is just as happy, if not happier, playing with the following...

Daddy's old beat-up Red Sox hat: Clearly she has good taste in teams.

The Remote Control: She always changes the channel to stupid shows like American Idol, so I've given her an old remote...Daddy rules the TV!

A piece of paper: She is totally happy to shake a piece of paper for hours on end. 

The Dog and Cat: When she gets mobile, Bruce and Fenway are going to lose a lot of hair.

Plastic cups: There just so plastic-y!

The Couch Pillows: For some reason she's found them enchanting since birth.

Mommy's and Daddy's face: Ah, the joy of grabbing noses, lips, and cheeks.

The Butt-Paste Canister: Her love for the Butt-Paste can has been well documented

A diaper: Don't worry I only give her clean one's...though she wouldn't care.

There are more but the Duct-tape around my brain is getting lose...

Let's just say I will remind her of all the fun she had with this stuff when she is 13 and asking me for that pair of designer jeans.

AKA

Noodles...WHAT?!

I grew up in NH. I am Scottish. I am really, really white. But my friends and I grew up listening to Wu-Tang Clan, one of the most popular and raunchy rap groups of our time. Now that we are older and more mature we regularly make references to those days long ago and giggle like thirteen year old girls. Seriously, we're pretty cool.

Before Natalie was born, we were engaged in such a giggle-fest while discussing her name. Since we didn't know if she'd be a boy or a girl we needed something ambiguous to call her in the meantime...we settled on "Noodles", a reference to an old Wu-tang song in which they list off countless nicknames. I don't know exactly how and I don't know exactly why but we found it uproariously funny.

In deference to Wu-tang and for the sake of posterity I am posting all the nickname's Natalie has accrued in her first 8 months.

Noodles
AKA
The Pea
AKA
Squirmy Worm
AKA
Yoopie
AKA
The poop machine
AKA
Yooper-uni
AKA
Natalie-bo-batalie
AKA
Peaches
AKA
Worm-face
AKA
Milk-face
AKA
Giggles
AKA
Silly-billy-goat
AKA
Chubby Cheek-ers
AKA
Madame Mc-Poops
AKA
Pea-Head
AKA
Big-Baby Worm
AKA
Babble-onian princess
AKA
Diaper Dandy
AKA
Super-dooper-pooper
AKA
Peaches
AKA
Cuddles
AKA
Doll-face
AKA
Baby Awesome-o

That's all I got for now...I'm glad I am writing this blog so that some day she'll look back and realize just how cool and not at all lame her daddy is...

Consumer Confusion

There are lots of Diaper Cremes out there...Choose wisely.

As a man, (yes my Y chromosome is intact) it's soldered into my DNA to hate shopping. Like all men before, I've learned the steps to successful purchasing...

1. Walk into store
2. Locate desired item
3. Ignore any alternatives to said item
4. Pay for item
5. Leave store

This five step program helped me mitigate the large consumer world for the first 28 years of my life. Sure, there were shopping trips with my mom and sister when I was growing up that nearly killed me, but I survived those long tedious afternoons and thought they were gone forever.

Then we had Natalie. Luckily, through the generous nature of friends and family, we haven't had to do much clothes shopping but I've discovered, through trial and error, that the manufacturers of all baby related items assume that women are making the purchases.

For example, the other day I had to buy some nipples, (are you expecting me to make a joke here? You should have learned by now that this blog is above such low-brow humor and I would never make any kind of joke about buying nipples) so I entered the store and proceeded with the five step program. I found the nipple section of the store, (I was secretly hoping they'd have a whole aisle labeled "nipples" so I could take a picture and send it to my other mature friends) located the specific nipples we needed for the specific bottle we use. This task was difficult for my tiny male shopping brain cell because there are 349 different brands of bottles and nipples. But I got the brand of nipples we use and headed for the checkout.

I decided I needed something manly to divert attention from the fact that I was buying nipples, so I purchased a sports magazine and a bottle of Mountain Dew. "Take that!, judgemental checkout girl" I said to myself.

The next day I woke up fully prepared to boil the previously purchased nipples (you have to boil nipples before you use them) and put them in our nipple rotation, weeding out some of the older nipples intended for younger and less awesome babies than Natalie.

As I began to rip open the package of nipples, I saw a small but vibrant word on the cardboard backing..."Advanced". My tiny male shopping brain cell groggily rolled out of bed and stared transfixed at this word, confused by its meaning. At first, he surmised, it must mean this is for more advanced babies but then he sadly realized that this particular nipple was meant for our brand of bottle but not for the subset of bottles within our brand. The brain cell cursed and many interested onlooking brain cells, which included a pack devoted to baseball box scores and another extremely large group who were only interested because they heard the word nipple, turned to see what was happening.

So now I need to go back to the store and find the right brand of nipples and the right subset within that brand. I see this type of thing happening many more times as Natalie gets older. A mother would have read the label, read the back cover, seen if the nipple came in any different colors, and found a sales clerk to ask if any generic brand nipples fit our particular bottle. In other words, she would have followed the complex female shopping constitution that is too long for any man to understand. But she would have bought the right nipple in the first place.

In related news, we are going shopping this weekend. Luckily, however, my brain cell and I aren't worried. Sara is coming, which means he'll just have to wake up every so often and agree that whatever item she picked out is perfect. Then we can go back to thinking about box scores and other manly things.

Tiny Devil

This is my dog, I call him Cerberus

In what can only be described as an extremely disturbing development, Natalie has begun making a deep guttural grunting noise that would fit perfectly in a twisted Steven King novel about a possessed baby. In response, I've invested in some holy water, a cross, and a really cool ghost-buster back-pack...she does kind of resemble the stay-puff marshmallow man...

The Dangers of Dad-dom

Attack of the Baby!

No one said it was going to be easy. I heard the horror stories of sleepless nights and fifteen diapers-a-day but there were some things I wasn't quite prepared for...some silent but deadly dangers, often specific to stay-at-home dads, that have been overlooked. No longer.

1. Not-the-momma: While you can argue all you want that stay-at-home dads can do just as good a job as stay-at-home moms, there are some things we just can't do. For instance, If I want to take Natalie someplace I need to think about and prepare a food source, since I lack the necessary mammary glands and accompaniments.

2. Daytime drama: As human beings we crave stories, especially those with recurring characters, good and bad guys, and drama. Thus far, I've managed to avoid daytime drama's (otherwise known as Soaps) because I fear watching them might actually result in the growth of previously mentioned accompaniments (although one could also argue that would be a very good reason to watch). I need the baseball season to start so I have box scores to read and games to watch but until then I've settled on the daily drama that is the democratic primary race...

3. Fatherhood fifteen: Every college graduate knows about the "freshman fifteen", the weight you gain during your first semester of school, but the fatherhood fifteen is just as deadly. When you stay at home all day snacks are easily accessible and when you have fifteen minutes to make and eat a lunch, frozen burritos sound pretty good...mmmmm...frozen burritos....

4. Random noise generator: When you spend most of your day around an infant, you do and say silly things. And when you're me, you do them all the time. Breaking the habit when venturing out in public becomes difficult. It's one thing when I've got Natalie with me but it probably looks a little odd when I'm waiting in the grocery line making elephant noises, waving my arms wildly, and saying to the check-out girl in a sing-song voice "Do you have my bananas? Yes you do...you like bananas don't you...oh, bananas are tasty...Can you eat a whole banana? I bet you could...you little banana eater."

5. Sleepy stumbles: Recently, after breakfast, I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge. Luckily these sleep-deprived mistakes have not yet extended to putting the baby in the oven and the chicken in the cradle...

6. No, dear, I'm not saying your toes are big...: Dads and Moms are different. Even in a stereotypically reversed marriage like mine, those inherent differences come through. Sara is more "motherly" and at times I find myself infringing upon that natural instinct simply because I'm in charge more often. The outfits I pick don't match, I play too rough, and I worry about the wrong things (like if her throwing arm is developing). It's inevitable that when one parent stays home, the other feels left out, but I think those feelings are stronger when the Mom is the one going to work.

7. Protection: When I stopped playing baseball a few years back I put my protective cup away, sure I'd never need it again...then we had a baby. Her tiny little legs are like a pair of ball pein hammers whacking away haphazardly while I carry her around the house. She is apparently set on being an only child.

Ultimately, the life of a stay-at-home dad is great but let this blog serve as a warning to any prospective fathers. Get healthy now, avoid daytime television, and get that jock out of the closet...you're going to need it.

Random Updates

"I just keep getting cuter"

Natalie keeps growing. Changing at a rate that no mortal blogger could keep up with...or at least no blogger who also has to care for her. What follows is a slew of Natalie updates in convenient Top Ten list form.

10. Bable-on: Natalie is currently a babbling fiend. She spends much of her day telling me her baby-thoughts and I, of course, am happy to listen. What scares me is that this might be a trait that continues into her teenage years. I've decided to start a charitable foundation called "Natalie's Minutes". Please give and help a family avoid going into debt when their daughter starts using a cell-phone.

9. Solid!: Natalie has begun to eat Solid foods. We were hopeful this would help her sleep through the night and if you consider 4am sleeping through the night...it has. So far, applesauce is her favorite. I have invented a new hip diet called the "baby-zone." All you eat is formula and pureed food. You're bound to lose weight because who wants pureed cupcakes?...wait a minute...that sounds pretty good.

8. Rollin', Rollin' Rollin', Rollin'... Rollin'on my belly: While Natalie long ago began rolling from her belly to her back, she recently began to roll from her back to her belly. The first step in making me chase her around the house all day.

7. Circadian Staccato: Natalie continues to defy the standard Circadian rhythm of humankind. During the day she sleeps in fairly predictable patterns but then at night she seems to be teasing us, occasionally sleeping till 4 or later but other times waking multiple times in need of comfort. In response, I've upped my coffee intake to 320 cups a day.

6. Presidential pull-out: Natalie has decided to pull out of the presidential race. While she has many enthusiastic supporters, she ultimately felt she needed to concentrate on learning how to talk, walk, and her acting career. She urges all other "marginal" candidates who've lost 11 contests in a row to drop out as well.

5. First Failure: In a devastating evaluation at her most recent doctor's appointment, Natalie was told her arm strength was pitiful. She has been put on a strict regimen of tummy-time, pull-ups, and protein shakes. We've hired a personal trainer and purchased tiny arm-weights.

4. Natalie will make you...Jump, Jump...: Natalie discovered the wonderful world of her jumper and decided it wasn't so wonderful. However, she is growing to like it and we're confident she'll develop her leaping skills soon, allowing her to participate in next year's slam-dunk contest.

3. Grunting: While she isn't making formal requests, Natalie has discovered that a simple grunt can express a number of things. Such as, "I want that", "Give me that" and "Why haven't you gotten that thing for me yet?!"

2. Out on the town: Natalie has enjoyed adventures to the grocery store, the mall, and the library. I have enjoyed juggling the 63 different things we have to bring every time we take her someplace.

1. Here Kitty, Kitty: Natalie desperately loves our cat Bruce. While Bruce is currently indifferent to Natalie, that may change once she becomes mobile. Her current method of displaying affection is reaching out, grabbing Bruce by the fur, and yanking really hard. Maybe we should just shave Bruce and spare him the pain...

Well, that's a good chunk of what's been going on with Natalie. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get some more coffee.